I’m Steve, a recovering sexaholic, sober since December 14, 2002. I am living a much better life today, thanks to SA and the Twelve Step program of recovery.

Resentments have always been a big problem for me. I used to let them hurt me a lot. They were like burdens strapped on my back; I could not get rid of them. I took them with me to work, to the store, and everywhere I went. Thoughts of people I resented were in my head when I tried to get to sleep at night.

That’s when I decided to stop expecting things to happen the way I imagined they should happen. I found two passages about expectations in the White Book that helped me a lot. I had skipped over these readings before, even though I read though the White book many times! Now they started to make sense to me:

“My continuing freedom is based on attitude; if it isn’t open to the grace of God and others I’m in big trouble. I can take that first drink again any time I want, inside my head, without so much as batting an eyelash! That’s why my continued sobriety is predicated on maintaining a spiritual program—right attitudes about others and myself. … For me the key was finally giving up all expectation of either sex or affection, and working on myself and my defective relations” (SA 24).

So I started to put these ideas into action. I stopped expecting things. If I loaned money and did not expect to get it back, then I was not upset or resentful if I did not get it back. If I did get the money back, then I knew I could trust that person with more. Sometimes I would lose money the next time, but I still was not expecting a return.

I had apologized many times for what I did to several people but never got forgiveness from them. Expectations again! I had to realize that others have the right to not forgive me, not trust me, and even not be around me. So I could not carry resentment for them.

When I was on my way to prison for a sex crime (for which I turned myself in), I left my wife in a pitiful state. She did not even know what was going on. There were people I thought were close to me, and whom I trusted, who said they would check in on my wife and encourage her, but they did not. This took some time for me to forgive and let go. Then I saw that my expectations were to blame. I had to forgive them and go on with my life

After I got out of prison and was back with my wife, sometimes she would tell me she would want to be intimate, and then it would not happen. This was a letdown for a sexaholic! But I was okay because I was not expecting anything. Life is better without expectations and without resentments. I learned this from SA.

Once, when I had several years of sobriety, I wanted to be a speaker at our regional convention. But instead of me, the organizing committee picked several other members who had only one year of sobriety. I was resentful! I thought I could have done a better job than they might do. Clearly, I was still working on my pride. I had been through the Steps but had only skipped lightly over some of my defects. I did not work on surrendering them daily until much later.

Once, some members of my SA group said they would open the doors of our meeting place and lead the meeting for me while I was out of town. So I gave them the key. But they never showed up and the group had to meet outside or go to a cafe. Yet I felt no resentment, and this is a so-much-better way of living!

Today I realize that a lot of things I was expecting from others were too much for me to expect. When I was finally able to let these disappointments roll off of me (like water off a duck’s back), then I was able to surrender resentment. That was progress in my character defects. Some of these character defects have been slower than others to get rid of, but I’m still making progress, one day at a time.