Is my life better today than before I surrendered to God and started working the SA program? Absolutely! Is my life in sobriety what I imagined it would be like? Absolutely not. I certainly did not know the extent of the changes I would need to make when I started working the Steps.

The decision to stay the course and work the Steps with a sponsor meant that I had to start facing the truth about myself with brutal honesty. That’s why the result is not what I imagined. While I was still living the lie, how could I imagine what would become of me when I began facing the truth? While I was still being my own god, how could I imagine what God wanted to do with me? In coming to SA, I only wanted to stop the pain of my acting out. But God had a different agenda: He wanted me to make good use of my ongoing powerlessness over lust to move me closer to Him.

I was initially motivated by my “own enlightened self-interest” (SA 4). I wanted to stop my sexual acting out, but mainly because I didn’t like the guilt and shame I felt. I tried to convince myself that my particular forms of acting out were really okay, so I need not feel too bad about myself. But that didn’t work for long.

Then I thought that if I just got rid of my one big problem—my sexual acting out problem—I would pretty much have my life together. I’d be “good enough,” and then I could relax in my state of “close-enough-to-perfection.” But, “If we are content with ourselves, simply minus the compulsion, there can be no recovery. Recovery is more than mere sobriety” (SA 87).

To achieve real recovery, I needed to turn my life and will over to the care of God. Today I know that I cannot do anything without God’s grace, and God is graciously changing me as I learn to surrender to His will for me. At times this is scary, but God isn’t asking for my opinion. He knows what is best for me.

The thought that I’m relinquishing control is still often overwhelming. But now there are times when letting go brings me a sense of peace, because I know that the outcome is not my responsibility. The truth is that I’m not in control anyway. My illusion of control is just as much a fantasy as the lust fantasies I previously escaped into for many hours every day. Believing that I have control is another deluded attempt to be my own god.

Today I thank the real God that He is the One with all power. He is a loving God who can be trusted. And I’ve found that the more I surrender to Him, the better my life really is.