Five months before we retired, my wife and I made the last payment on what had been a sizeable debt for our family’s education loans. We thanked God as we sat next to each other on our love seat in our living room. We sat silently for a moment, each lost in our own thoughts. She was the first to speak and her words disturbed me. She asked, “Do you think we will ever buy my rings?”

A freak accident had destroyed her engagement ring soon after our second child was born. We saved to replace her ring (as well as a matching wedding ring) but then our third child was born. Rearing three children and getting them through college made it necessary for us to put off purchasing rings until sometime in the future. I was still thinking “future,” but she thought “future” was now. It was time to buy her rings.

Sadly, my first thoughts were, “What? Are you crazy? We are retiring in five months!” Thankfully SA has taught me to feel my feelings but consider the facts before speaking. A quick prayer enabled me to receive direction from our loving God. It was time to replace her rings—but my heart wasn’t in it. I nodded and replied with what seemed to me to be a monotone voice, “Yes, let’s buy your rings.”

Even though I committed to this action of love, it felt artificial. I prayed and then called my sponsor. I admitted that I’m selfish and driven by fear. He recognized this and encouraged me to join with my wife and help her find the replacements for her rings. In the past I wasn’t always willing to take the actions of love, but my sponsor has taught me to “suit up, show up, and allow the attitude to catch up.”

When I entered the rooms of SA on February 6, 2001, I did not know that I was selfish and prone to fear of economic insecurity. I knew I was a mess and I desired sobriety, but I did not understand what my problem was until I read “The Problem” (SA v): “We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal… Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.”

The phrase “lust killed love” explained why I could not experience intimacy with those I professed to love, including my wife. My compulsive use of lust had led me to live in my fantasies, and self-indulgence was destroying my relationships. Lust was not only killing love; it was killing me.

The years have passed, but thanks to God’s grace, the support of the SA fellowship, and the SA Twelve Steps, I’m recuperating from the love-killing effect of my former, compulsive use of lust. Taking the actions of love is healing me. Today I can turn to God when tempted by the symptoms of my disease.

So today, thanks to God’s grace, I can choose to take actions of love instead of actions of selfishness and faithlessness. My wife and I started looking for her rings soon after our discussion in the living room. She took me to a jewelry store she admired.

Miraculously, I let go of worry about our financial security in retirement. I began to enjoy my wife’s excitement and joy. She found the stones and bands that she had been hoping for in time for our 40th wedding anniversary celebration. Today I look at the rings on her finger and feel gratitude for my sobriety and for her. Thanks to God’s grace, the SA fellowship, and the Twelve Steps this love cripple is sober and in recovery.