May I never forget the sexaholic who still suffers. With just over one year of sobriety, the freedom I’m experiencing is indescribable. The freedom I have been blessed with is a gift that brings peace, joy, serenity, and an absence of the ravages of my disease.

And yet just yesterday, after attending another wonderful SA meeting and enjoying the closeness of fellowship, I was going about my day when out of nowhere I was struck by a tidal wave of lust. It struck with speed and power, and I never saw it coming. I was surprised to be in the middle of a storm.

I immediately turned to my Higher Power, as I have done so many times when hit with this type of attack. There was no relief. I started going through my checklist. I could not identify any resentments, fears, or disturbances in my life that would bring on such an overwhelming occurrence. I affirmed that I had not taken any drinks or sips of lust. I had not viewed anything that was harmful. All of those things that brought storms in the past were absent. I was dumbfounded and—more than that—my Higher Power was not bringing me relief.

I was suffering like I used to suffer before coming into SA. My head was on a swivel, I could not stop the drinking, and I was feeling an incapacitating urge to act out. It had been many months since I experienced this level of absolute agony. The discomfort I felt was a wrenching deep inside that I could not escape. I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I could find no peace.

My wife and I had planned to spend time together that night, but by 8:30 I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I could only climb into bed and succumb to a deep sleep. The next morning when I awoke I slid out of bed, thanked God for another day of sobriety (as I do every morning), admitted my powerlessness, surrendered my lust and my will, and asked Him to lend me His power just for today.

Then I prayed the Third Step prayer. Freedom and serenity returned. I was at peace. As I meditated, my Higher Power brought to my mind a single thought, one that I had thought but not spoken the day before.

The previous day I had received a message from a member saying that another member had slipped the night before, and also that morning. This individual might be classified as a “chronic slipper.” As I read the email, I felt absolutely no compassion. I even felt a bit judgmental as I haughtily thought, “He just doesn’t want to quit”—even though this individual has cried out many times for help.

The smug thought came and went, and then I headed off to my wonderful meeting where I could enjoy another glorious day of recovery. Life was so sweet. But then out of nowhere the storm came with debilitating force, and (after reviewing the sequence of events) I now realized a few important truths.

First, God and God alone has given me every sober moment. Only through His power have I enjoyed recovery and serenity thus far. In that storm I could plainly see the disease that is still very much alive in me. The freedom I’ve been experiencing has been a gift from God. In those times when my disease seems nonexistent or removed for periods of time, I can become lulled into a false belief that lust is gone, and it seems I cannot even remember the horrific agony of the disease. As the Big Book says, “We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago” (AA 24).

I felt quite humbled by this experience, because I do very much believe that, “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition” (AA 85).

Another truth I realized is that God very much loves the sexaholic—all sexaholics. I am ashamed of the attitude that I had toward that young man as he expressed the pain of slipping yet another time. My thought that “He just doesn’t want to stop” would imply that he has some type of choice, and he is choosing to stay in his disease.

How soon I had forgotten the absolute powerlessness and hopelessness I experienced before coming to SA. I only had to suffer half a day experiencing what other sexaholics are suffering on a daily basis to remember. God please forgive me for my uncompassionate heart toward another sexaholic, and thank You for showing me that I am still a very sick man.

I see clearly now that my sobriety, serenity, peace, and every part of this program only come from a loving Higher Power. He will give me all the gifts of the program if I will only turn to Him on a daily basis, and if I have love and compassion for the sexaholic who is still suffering.