In SA’s Step One, I admitted that I’m powerless over lust (not over a particular behavior), and the Third Tradition states that the only requirement for membership is “a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober” (SA 209). Both the Step and the Tradition remind me that lust lies beneath my acting out behaviors.

I’m like the alcoholic in many ways, but one difference is that I carry my distillery with me wherever I go. I can think I’m sober but really be a long way from sobriety because I’ve been indulging in lust: stealing glances, lusting over past sexual experiences, entertaining illusions of desirability, fantasizing while having sex with my wife, or looking at porn.

For the alcoholic, the first drink is literally a drink of alcohol, and that first drink starts the craving the Big Book speaks of. But for me, the first drink is a lust hit. When I take in an image or thought and indulge it, then lust starts the craving.

So the difference between the sexaholic and alcoholic is the source of the first drink. For the alcoholic the first drink is external: the bottle. For me, the first drink is internal: it’s lust. Resentment nursed by an alcoholic or a sexaholic can cause a mental obsession, resulting in each of us becoming “restless, irritable, and discontented” (AA xxviii), and we each seek that first drink that brings “ease and comfort” (AA xxix). I must remember that “Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender” (AA 64) for me, just as it is for the alcoholic.

But the difference between the alcoholic and me is that the alcoholic has to find a bottle. If he’s in a business meeting, he might have to wait all day to get that first drink, find comfort, and thus break his sobriety. For me, however, sitting in the same meeting, I only need a sideways glance to find a bottle—or if no fitting object is present, I can recall my favorite fantasy and be off. I’ve taken the first drink, found comfort, and the craving is initiated (and I’m on my way to a roaring drunk) while my alcoholic colleague is still stewing in his resentment because his drug is far off.

For me, I may have to wait to physically act out, but that’s just the conclusion of what’s already going on in my head. And if I live in this acting-in state, I’m really just trying to “control and enjoy” my drinking (AA 30), and living like this in a drunken, sorry state will lead to disaster.

We addicts have an allergy, a drug that is absolutely toxic to our systems. For the sexaholic, the White Book pegs my toxic substance: “For the sexaholic, lust is toxic. This is why in recovery, the real problem is spiritual and not merely physical. This is why change of attitude is so crucial” (SA 41).

Therefore, if I am to recover from lust, and if I am to have the abundant life promised in our literature, I must be just as intent on being purged of my lust as I am on being purged of my problematic sexual behavior.