It took me nine years in SA to realize that continually praying to God to “keep me sober,” and to “take away my lust” wasn’t working for me. I discovered that this kind of prayer was just another subtle way of trying to manage my life by asking God to do what I thought He should do for me. I was focusing on avoiding the negative, which actually kept attracting it into my experience.

I kept relapsing because I wasn’t praying for help regarding my four biggest painful feelings that created my desire to escape into lust; these feelings were some form or combination of Fear, Resentment/Anger, Shame, and Sadness/Loneliness.

I now trust that God knows my needs before I ask, and is already meeting them; however I am still often blind, and my job is to notice and affirm often that He is doing this. I have found that almost no matter where I am, or who I am with, I can always find a couple of minutes of complete privacy by saying, “I’m going to the bathroom; I’ll be right back.” Once there, I simply sit down, take a couple of deep breaths, and slowly say the following prayer out loud:

Dear God, please Remind me that I am Safe, regardless of how Anything looks. Remind me that you love me, regardless of my faults, so that I am forgiving of myself. Remind me that other people also have fears, pains, and sadness, so that I am forgiving of their faults too. God, I am now seeing your many blessings, and I am listening, with patience, for your suggestions. I am at peace. Thank you God, for Everything.

Then, I sit in silence, breathe, and wait … for that ‘gut’ feeling that is His gentle ‘voice.’ I am grateful for my 5 years of sobriety.