In an AA article, I once read about a fellow who is in the military. He wrote that he is taught to always wear a helmet, that it’s a habit ingrained in him. Going outside means putting on a helmet, period. In the beginning, it was something he had to learn, something people had to keep reminding him to do, and something that had to become a real habit. But eventually, he did it without thinking.

He recounted how once, during a training mission, he had to stand guard in a tank at night. Because he thought he heard a noise outside, he put on his helmet and went to check. It turned out there was nothing wrong, but just at that moment, a hinge broke, causing a metal plate to crash against the back of his head. He realized that the helmet had saved his life, even though there had been no rational reasons afterward for why he had put it on: it was a training mission, everyone was asleep, and the noise was probably just some wild animal or something. But the habit of doing things without thinking, like putting on a helmet, had saved his life here. He concluded his article by saying that the AA program works in exactly the same way.

I recently experienced that as well. Last week, I went to a local folk dance group for the first time, this after I had gone folk dancing with some SA fellows a week earlier. It was so enjoyable that I wanted to do it here in my own city too. The first dance was great, and everything went smoothly. However, during the second dance, at a certain moment, we had to step forward and put our arm around our neighbor’s waist, then step back. When my neighbor placed her arm around me, I had an incredible flashback to five years ago, when I was sexually abused by a one-night stand. That touch triggered the memory, and I just broke down. I finished the dance while crying.

Afterward, I went to the dressing room and prayed. That’s the first thing I do when something happens, thanks to the program: I turn to God. I prayed and cried, and felt a real need to make a phone call. I went outside and called my sponsor. Making phone calls is another one of those habits. Thankfully, my sponsor was available, and we talked for about half an hour via video call. I was in deep pain, trauma can be so terribly painful. She advised me that when I felt ready, I should go back inside, even if just to observe. Shame inside me wanted to run home, but I knew she was right. I have nothing to be ashamed of; I’m a survivor, and today, I stand here in recovery. So, I followed her advice and went back inside, and I even danced a little bit myself.

The following days were very difficult. Numbness and sadness alternated with each other.
It seemed like the abuse had taken place that Wednesday, not five years ago. Fortunately, I could take the right actions at any moment, purely out of habit, and that really helped me get through it. The morning after, I attended an online morning meeting that I often participate in, and seeing my friends there and hearing their voices provided me with real comfort. I made phone calls, prayed, wrote gratitude lists and listened to SA recordings, but also going about my household chores provided comfort due to the routine.

Despite the intense trauma pain I was in, I truly felt the healing power of the program. And because I attend meetings on a daily basis, make phone calls, pray, listen to recordings, etc., it didn’t feel like an extraordinary effort now but rather a habit. A habit that has now ensured that I stayed sober last week. I am—thanks be to God—still sexually sober and also abstinent in my other two recovery programs.

I am grateful that the program has been drilling into me for the past few years “to always put on my helmet,” because I never know when it will save my life.