A train wreck, that is how those who have seen me enter the program sometimes tend to describe me.The worst part is that I can’t even deny it. My life had become unmanageable in all areas. Because of my addiction, I was no longer able to take care of myself in the most basic ways.

When I was new to SA, I had only one goal: staying sober. That was already a tad better than my only goal in the months before, being to survive. I attended a lot of online meetings (because of the pandemic, there were no face-to-face meetings in my first six months) and totally threw myself into the program and the Steps. Other things were not possible at that time. For example, I could not bring myself to cook dinner. I had no time, no interest, and above all, no energy.

Only after about eight months of sobriety did I exchange the frozen pizzas, lasagna, and ready-made salads for simple dishes that I prepared myself. It felt like a waste of time on the one hand, but also very rewarding on the other. I knew that every piece of vegetable I cut, I was doing it for myself. Slowly, therefore, the awareness grew that I was worthy enough to take care of, and that I no longer had to wait for others to take care of me. Looking up recipes, grocery shopping, and cutting veggies made me feel like a worthy person, loved by myself. That was a whole new experience!

My therapist, whom I go to every week, encouraged me in this, because on an emotional level this was very valuable. That was true, but on a physical level—the nutritional value of my meals—there was still quite a bit wrong. I myself thought I was doing well if I added one tomato and a piece of zucchini into a big bowl of pasta, but my body thought differently. I was morbidly obese, usually unable to walk for more than half an hour and couldn’t ride a bike for five minutes without having fire-red cheeks for another hour.

It wasn’t until I got sick of every bite of bread or pasta a year later that I was forced to make a change. I started in a Twelve-Step food program in October 2022. Since then, I have not eaten refined sugar, flour, potatoes, and so on. I eat three healthy meals a day with nothing in between.

My body seemed to benefit very quickly: barely a month later I was able—for the first time in years—to ride my bike for 15 minutes. This turned out to be very handy, because every week I need the train to a face-to-face-meeting, and the station is a fifteen-minute bike ride from my apartment.

My condition really improved visibly. I also began to notice that I was less tired in general, and that I no longer needed rest for hours a day, but could do more in a day and week. In my case, that means more face-to-face meetings and spending time with my family more often. Now I can visit both my parents and grandmother on a weekly basis and spend time with my little nephew and niece. What a blessing!

By eating healthy, I also feel much more inner peace. A tranquility has really come over me, something I had never known before. Also: I feel less lust. I had strong suspicions before I changed my diet that I got a lust kick every time I ate bread or pasta. It seemed fairly unlikely to me, but I have really been able to tell the difference since I stopped eating sugars!

The combination of our strong spiritual program, a healthy diet, and weekly trauma counseling with my therapist makes me feel a little more Nathalie by the day, more than I have ever been by the way. I have always felt lost in life, but through recovery I am becoming more and more myself and it continues to be very interesting to discover. Not easy, but interesting. Every day I need the fellowship, the Steps, and my Higher Power. And if I keep doing that, supported by healthy nutrition and emotional guidance from my therapist, then one day at a time I hope to stay sexually and emotionally sober. For only then I can be an instrument of my Higher Power and practice spiritual principles in all my affairs.