Practicing rigorous honesty has enabled him to grow in integrity in every area of his life. 

When I was in a treatment centre to deal with my addictions, they asked me to write down three words I would want to be written on my tombstone. I wrote Honest, Courageous, and Loyal. In writing this, I realized that honesty was at the root of all three. When I pledged to be rigorously honest, it meant I pledged to avoid even the smallest distortions, whether those were exaggerations, omissions, or self-serving tweaks to reality. Particularly, this is true with all matters relating to my wife and is the cornerstone of my loyalty to her.  

Shortly after getting into recovery and losing a career of 20 years due to my deceit and dishonesty, I had finally restarted a new career with a new boss. I had made an expensive mistake and could have ignored it, as I had caught the error and fixed it. However, rigorous honesty had me walk into my new boss’s office and own the error without minimizing or laying the blame on anyone else. He simply asked me what I planned to do about it. I told him what I had done, and he was grateful I had told him. The world did not end as I had predicted in my head. When trust is present, relationships deepen, and communication becomes more open and fruitful. This was true for my relationship with my boss, who continued to trust me more over the 13 years I worked for him, each time I showed up in truth. He did not want to see me go when I finally decided to retire this year.

Humility does not come easily to me. I am often reminded of the man in SA whose home group decided to give him a pin for being the humblest member they knew. When he wore the pin to the meeting the following week, they took it away. Humility is tricky like that. A member in one of the groups I attend often says, “Don’t worry about finding humility; humility will find you.”

I also must balance honesty with compassion and tact. Rigorous honesty does not mean bluntness or insensitivity. I must convey the truth in a way that respects the dignity and feelings of others. When dealing with my wife or kids, for example, this might mean choosing the right moment, the right words, or the right context to share difficult truths, and always maintaining a spirit of kindness and empathy. It is not unlike when I wrote Step Four. My sponsor asked me not to stay on the self-flagellation, but also to be honest about my assets and to name what I had hidden, denied, or rationalized. He asked me to do a truth-telling of my patterns, fears, resentments, and behaviors.

The pursuit of rigorous honesty sometimes feels lonely, especially in contexts where dishonesty is normalized or rewarded. Yet, for me, every act of truth-telling is a small act of courage—a concerted effort to regain the trust I had lost from my wife. The rewards of such courage are many: deeper relationships with my family, greater self-awareness, and the satisfaction of living in alignment with my values. I truly can “look the world in the eyes and stand free.” While the challenges persist, they are far outweighed by the benefits.

For me, rigorous honesty is far more than an ideal—it is an essential practice for me who is seeking to live a life of meaning and loyalty. It asks me for ongoing reflection, unwavering courage, and a willingness to face whatever truths emerge. And in a world around me that often prizes convenience over principle, rigorous honesty stands out as a source of hope and renewal. By committing myself to this demanding, yet deeply rewarding, standard, I help build a family rooted in trust, fairness, and mutual respect—a family in which the truth is not just spoken but lived each and every day. Now, to be clear, I am not saying I practice rigorous honesty perfectly. I have many flaws and fall short on many occasions. I simply want to be on my way to being “flawesome!”