Hugging

Speaking for myself, I am against hugging in SA almost completely. About the only time I have ever initiated a hug in my years in SA was a few times after a person had given a very intense and difficult, for them, First Step to the group. But, even in such a case, I would rather not hug if it is a woman member (I’m male).… I believe that no man should ask for a hug from a woman and no woman should ask for one from a man. If that is violated, I believe that the man or woman needs to have the sobriety to say, “Sorry, but that’s not right for me.” I have seen women do that a couple of times and I really respect their courage and developing sense of boundaries. I believe we were people who invaded others’ boundaries because we had no sense of them. I think recovery is partly about learning what our boundaries are and respecting others’ boundaries.

Wet Dreams

The recent ESSAY is confusing to me. Most of it provides great support. The topic of wet dreams is addressed, however, and SA members do not agree with that letter you’ve published. I’m probably idealistic to think we’ll all agree on everything, but this is a pretty major issue. I’d heard it had been discussed at a convention. The letter hurt me deeply. I have had a wet dream. I can honestly say that I have a four-second rule for myself with lust and I surrender my lust very quickly—I do not entertain it. Yet I had a wet dream. Then I was comforted greatly to hear that I had nothing to do with it—consciously. I believe it was God’s will for me. My question is, why be divisive, or why print a divisive issue if it hurts people, until you’re real certain—is it black and white? I did not lie down in my bed and say, “Now tonight I’m going to act out.” I’m a psychologist. I’ve consulted with other psychologists in the program, and a D.O. as well. The issue needs more research before I’ll believe it. Dreams are such an ill-defined, vague area anyway. I don’t think there are any factual areas about dreams. Since they’re unconscious.

[Members are referred to the paper, “Sobriety and the Self”—Ed.]

Spiritual Growth

…Please send suggestions on how to encourage a group to move from negative addictive thinking to positive, healthy, recovering thinking. Thanks.