I’d like to share something very personal, very much my own experience. It’s a rather recent awareness, and I’m not sure what it all means, except that it’s at the center of my life today.

A few days ago, year fourteen rolled around on the calendar, and for some reason, it seemed special, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then last night, in talking with another member, I discovered what has come to me to be very special, without my even realizing it. It has to do with security and rest.

In the first months on the program, and to a diminishing extent in the first few of years, I had no feeling of security from slipping and no secure God-connection. No soul security. I remember saying in meetings, “I feel like I’m walking the thin edge above a bottomless abyss and that any step is going to be the misstep that plummets me down to everlasting doom.”

Over the years, that insecure feeling slowly diminished as I learned to use the Steps and other tools of the program to stay sober and gain victory over other defects. I went through various “formulas” when confronted with temptation or trial. These formulations were the essence of various Steps put together as combined surrender and prayer. Also, every morning and every evening I turned my will and life over to God and asked him to keep me sober for that day or night. These surrenders to God and prayers worked. The Steps worked. The meetings worked. I was working it all, and it was working! I still do this, and it still works.

With all the “working” working as well as it did, I didn’t think there could be anything more. I really didn’t need anything more. But wonder of wonders, there is more, and I’m just beginning to see it. I hope it won’t take others as long as it did me to discover it. So what’s new and different today? What is that special “something” I’m feeling? Security and rest. Trust. Confidence in my Higher Power rather than in my works, my formulas. Assurance. Assurance of his love and care, and that I am kept in his love. The peaceful knowing that it is his doing, not mine, and that I can rest secure.

Today I find myself, each time I ask my Higher Power to keep me sober, simply knowing and affirming that his presence is with me, knowing that that presence is my shield and defense and power and rest, that it is his presence that keeps me sober, and all I have to do is stay connected. And that’s where the Steps and fellowship come in; they are the tools by which I can keep me and the “junk” out of the way so I stay connected. Many times, I wonder why I’m even asking him to keep me sober, the security of his presence is so effective. Nevertheless, I use the surrender to God and prayer, day and night, as always. But now, today, I have the assurance, the Presence, the Person, and the rest and security that come with it. I well remember an old-timer saying, “What we’re really here for is to feel comfortable with ourselves, others, and God.” He may be right. This is a new beginning for me.

I’m reminded of the passage that says, “There remains therefore a rest for the people of God, and whoever enters God’s rest ceases from his labors as God did from his.” What an intriguing promise and joyous hope. Maybe there’s something beyond my religiously “working” the survival formulas. The Steps are not an end in themselves but a means toward an end. The Steps, just like any steps, are there to take us somewhere, in this case, upward, to a spiritual awakening. The end is beyond the means. There is something—not in place of the works but beyond the works—the Destination, union with the Love that will not let me go. An abiding place.

I feel the danger and fear involved in even thinking like this, and that some may misunderstand. I’m a little superstitious, too, afraid that if I talk about this I’m putting myself in danger. All I can say is that being held in the embrace of love is better than depending on my works as the means of my being saved from slipping and meriting God’s favor. Depending on my works, even Program works, keeps me in anxiety and insecurity. Knowing the Person, the One loving me and keeping me sober, releases me from all fear. Now I see why Step Eleven is so important.

Those who gave us this program said they came to have a faith that worked. Maybe that’s it in a nutshell: I get a faith that works through working the Steps in fellowship. Working the Steps is the means; faith is the destination. But faith is not a “belief” kind of thing I used to think it was; I “believed” up a storm and was still going under. Faith for me today is the actuality of a real Connection, a Personal Presence. From obedience to love. From working to knowing. Is this what it’s all about? What a marvelous hope and reality. What a marvelous gift!