Fear is normal and somewhat healthy. It has enabled human beings to survive and flourish. If fear was not a part of the human make up, our ancestors would have either been eaten by lions or tigers, or met some other unfortunate end. I have experienced fear many times in my own life beginning at an early age when my father would angrily yell all the time. Then there were authority figures such as police officers and teachers. And of course the bullies that always took great pleasure in seeing the smaller kid turn into a pool of sweat when confronted. In fact, I would be lying if I said I don’t experience fear almost daily in some form or other.

I have also, sadly, seen fear in SA meetings where members should feel safe and protected, where we can let our guards down and be our true selves. There is fear of telling the truth in case there is judgement, fear of looking weak or stupid, fear of falling, even fear of telling our story in the First Step. There is no judgement because I too have been a victim of the same fears. It took me three years to write and give my First Step because I couldn’t face what I had done to myself and my family, let alone telling it to others. Then when I got to the Ninth Step, making amends, I worried how it would affect both myself and the ones I made the amends to. This was all paper tigers because in giving my First Step I was filled with the grace of God and my fellow SA team gave me support and love. Then when I did my Ninth Step the load of guilt I was carrying melted away and each person I made amends to forgave me.

Now if there was a teeter-totter and fear was on one side, courage would be on the other. It takes courage to work the program, to be open and honest. It takes courage to admit our faults when we feel weak and vulnerable. The same courage is needed to own up when a fall has happened resulting in a loss of sobriety. But time after time I see that this courage is lacking and fear far outweighs courage.

I am happy to say that I have found courage in myself in the last few years, even though I have been in the program twenty. The first act of courage was to give up porn in all its forms. That decision led to the installation of monitoring software on my phone and computers, and having my wife as my accountability partner. That took guts! Next was admitting when I’d fallen in meetings, being open and honest about where I was and not hiding behind my badge of sobriety. I’ve found a small amount of true sobriety is much more valuable than fake sobriety because lying and hiding only hinders my connection with God. I’ve also found courage to admit when I was wrong when disagreements happen. Again, it takes courage to put my pride aside.

To me, replacing fear with courage is ongoing and the more I practice, the better my connection with my Higher Power. And let’s face it, isn’t that what this whole program is about?