Excerpt from the San Antonio Convention Friday night talk by Jesse J., of the Saturday San Antonio de Zavala group.

Jesse became an expert — on the Steps! Here’s the Jesse Step Program:

STEP 1: Powerless? “Yes, of course! I can’t stop myself.”

STEP 2: Came to believe that a power greater …blah, blah, blah? “I already know that part.”

STEP 3: Made a decision to turn my will and life over …blah, blah, blah? “I did that years ago. In my youth, even.”

STEP 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of all the terrible people who have harmed me from my childhood to the present day? “Now we’re getting somewhere! And it was quite a list, and I benignly forgive them all. And now I’m done with that.”

STEP 5: Admitted the exact nature of my wrongs? “MY wrongs? Well, yes, I was wrong to carry around all that resentment about how badly all you people hurt me and caused me to fall under this terrible burden of addiction, and I forgive you, so we’re done with that.”

STEP 6: Entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character? “Yes, of course. God knows my defects, and if He in His Wisdom wishes to remove them, He will do so. He’s probably done it already and I haven’t even noticed.”

STEP 7: Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings? “That’s not necessary. God already did that.”

STEP 8: Made a list of all persons I have harmed? “Whoa! Hold up just a red hot minute! People I have harmed? Especially the part where it says ‘You made the list in Step Four.’ No, I didn’t! Those were sins against me, so I already took care of that. But, with some prodding, let me think again. This is a real stumper. People I have harmed — OK, there’s a few. Got it.”

STEP 9: Made amends? “I’m Very Very Sorry. Boy! I feel MUCH better! And I’m sure you do, too.”

STEPS 10, 11, 12: Never mind about Steps 10, 11, 12.

Working the Steps this way, I rarely made it past Step Four before I changed sponsors, changed groups, or just dropped out.