As I sit here in meditation, it is dawning on me the biggest threat lust has on me is it takes the cord of my soul and plugs it into myself, as the White Book suggests. It is absolutely impossible for me to be truly present for my wife, my kids, and real-life significant relationships. Yes, I can fake it for a spell, and all may seem well. But what is actually happening here is I am connecting to others out of my guilt and my “fight or flight” reserve. This always leads to a collision with those I claim to love. This is an inevitable fact. It always happens. So then, what is my only option?

My only option is to lean into the pain of the want and the deep longing to plug into myself. I must override every impulse that tells me the next look will not hurt this time, the Great Lie. I must be willing to go to any lengths to get a single day free of seeing and thinking that my solution lies within myself. I must plug into the very Source of life itself: Truth.

This is the base desperation lacking in those who fail to stop and stay stopped. Without such utter desperation, I cannot and will not stop. I will continue living my life from the position of guaranteed failure.