One gift of SA has been the recovery in my marriage. I have no right to a happy and fulfilling marriage. I am certainly not worthy of this, but I have an amazing Higher Power who loves me no matter what—and for some reason, He seems to get a kick out of loving me through others, including my wife. Imagine that!

We are married for over 21 years. My stuff hit the fan 12 years ago. I have been clean and sober since January 2014, so you can see it hasn’t been a perfect recovery. However, SA has changed our marriage in many ways:

I have worked the Twelve Steps of SA and I’ve had great sponsors who worked my tail off. I pray a lot. If I put my Higher Power first, everything else works out better.

The Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book,” encourages us to seek support from others. My wife and I have seen multiple marriage therapists. Preparing for my disclosure, in the spirit of Step Nine, was terrifying. I was afraid to share specifics of my harms to my wife. My Higher Power said to me, “Do not do this as Step One, but as a Step Nine.” I did not vomit the problem all over my wife. Instead I gave a candid description of the problem as well as a solution. Once I described the “low points” in enough detail not to whitewash, I answered any and every question she asked. If she wants to know a detail, I tell her the truth. I let her be the judge of what she is willing to hear.

Here are a few things I do:

• I explicitly pursue my wife. She had mounds of evidence that I did not value her or find her attractive. My living amends is to show her that I love her, value her, and want her. I never really knew what she longed for, and it has been my loss.
• I buy her flowers two to four times per month.
• I ask her for what I want. One of my biggest surprises was the pain she felt at not knowing what she could do to please me. How painful to learn that hiding myself from her didn’t only isolate me, it also hurt her!
• I pause to think about her during the day. It’s not natural for me as an addict to remember others during the day, so I have to practice this.
• I write a letter or a card to her about once a month.
• I meditate so that when I am listening to a gripe about myself, I can be compassionate by maintaining a bit of a loving distance.
• I date her. I ask her out. I make plans and take time for intimacy, and I ask her for it, but graciously accept if she doesn’t want that now.

I’m sure there’s more. Today, I really love my wife and I want to be married to her. If the marriage fails, I know that God will love me anyway and He will show me joy in other ways. I’m grateful for the program of Sexaholics Anonymous for showing me how to remarry my wife.