These are my experiences as a woman of lusting and interacting with male fellows in SA, both in person and virtually. I’ve been in SA for four years and am two years sober as of this writing. I’m a single widow in my 50s.

I have three points to share as I begin:

First, SA, the acceptance story (AA, 407-420), and my sponsor show that my experiences and thoughts might be totally wrong for someone else. So please receive it or forget it as seems appropriate for you. 

Second, I’m over 15 years past menopause, so physical lust doesn’t attack me anything like it did when I was younger. 

Third, when I read that lust is a natural drive that’s used for unnatural ends (purposes), it meant to me, objectification, fantasy, using people to fill my emptiness, and euphoric recall. Recently my sponsor blew my mind when she said that arousal is not synonymous with lust. So I can get a sensation that my body is awake, and it’s not lust if my heart is well! My sponsor wanted to free me from my fear, guilt, and shame by telling me that if my body wakes up when I notice someone who looks good or is dressed nicely, if I give it to God and move on without lingering to get a kick out of it, then it’s not lust in her book.

I’ve heard some sisters in the Program say they’re afraid to attend in-person meetings because of lust. I’ve been advised that it might be dangerous for me to make the nearest meeting my home group, because it’s still all guys (except for me). The Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve make clear that avoiding temptation is bound to fail eventually, and the White Book says that a mixed meeting is ideal for learning to deal with lust in a safe environment (see “Mixed Meetings,” SA, 178-179). So I attend this local meeting weekly plus several Zoom meetings where I can be one of very few women. The Big Book says that we shouldn’t isolate ourselves because our friends drink (AA, 102). Of course, my experience might not suit you, and I would never tell another sexaholic to go against Higher Power or sponsor. For me, my home group is my lifeline.

To be clear, rural England is not like the USA where they seem to hug each other all the time. I don’t hug SA guys. In my home group, my boundary is no shaking hands or touching at all. My Step One revealed that if a guy touched me, I thought I was in lust or even in love. Four years ago I got an elbow bump when the pandemic precluded handshakes. I couldn’t wait for the next meeting just to get another elbow bump! So, for me personally, I never touch SA men, and I suggest you set your own boundary with Higher Power and your sponsor.

I’ve stuck with my home group for four years now despite thousands of Zoom meetings being readily available. Because of the distance, each time I attend in person I incur considerable expense for lodging and meals. That’s how much they mean to me. In-person meetings are worth five Zoom meetings to me. I love them very much in the same way that I love my cousins. They’ve given me life, happiness, sobriety, peace, and joy. (I can just hear my sponsor saying, “No, God has done that, through them!”)

I asked in our group’s private WhatsApp group who would be willing to take phone calls from me. Three men with longer sobriety agreed. One of them is now my accountability partner. They call me to surrender, and I call them. These guys are my brothers and mean everything to me. Lust hardly gets a look in, but I’m always learning better to surrender it.

I’m from old-school recovery in another fellowship when the home group was everything; not surfing meetings, but a real, personal commitment to the group. That’s what my home group is to me. It’s my family. That’s my antidote to objectification and lust. They’re real people, with real feelings, real interests and families. 

On WhatsApp, on the other hand, it can get awkward with strangers in its unique hothouse atmosphere. I’ve got at least 80 people blocked on WhatsApp. Most are guys it got out of hand with. Only a couple cases of outright harassment but far too much flirting and getting hit on. I keep my boundaries clear and updated. I’m happy to return an unknown guy’s personal message asking if he can offer my number to another woman for example. But if a guy just texts, “Hello!” he gets blocked without an answer.

I’ve left very-chatty online groups several times because of my tendency to idolize imagined high-status fellows, welcoming emojis and comments from them and engaging with them in discussions. Of course, on Program matters, such interaction can be very helpful, but as with any means of interaction, it’s my state of mind and focus of recovery that dictates whether I react well or badly. It’s become something of a motto of mine: “It’s Not Them!”

I do now have about 15 real friends on WhatsApp who are guys, and I do run them by my sponsor regularly. I’m very careful, and they are each guys whose sobriety I trust and whom I have known for years. 

Then there are those I do service work with. With these guys, I have open, deep discussions, but I’m still very careful of the language I use so as not to trigger either of us, and they are too. 

At each meeting we read, “SA is a fellowship of men and women…,” and so it is for me.

As AA literature mentions, if I am shaky, I had better work with another alcoholic/sexaholic. It’s all down to my willingness and spiritual condition. I’ve missed my home meeting when I’ve felt burned out and exhausted, even emotionally vulnerable. If I put my physical and emotional sobriety first at all times, I get on with the brothers safely and happily. The same applies, interestingly, with my non-SA male family and friends. If I’m working my Program, we get along just fine.