Instead of sharing everything to get it off his chest, he learned that if he hasn’t worked the Steps on something, then he doesn’t share it. 

When I first came into SA, I just wanted to share everything, to get it off my chest and take away the guilt of what I had done and where I’d been. I am really grateful that I read the caution in the White Book because I was going to destroy the people that were around me and set myself up for failure.

I listened to what the White Book said. I got myself a sponsor, and we talked about it. I realized, as I was working the Steps, that I wasn’t at Step Nine yet: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others” (SA 123).  

The first thing I learned from my sponsor was that I only share what I’ve dealt with in the Steps. If I haven’t dealt with it or made some peace with it, I wouldn’t share it right away. I made sure that anything I disclosed, I was at peace with. The second thing I learned is that I would only share the material that wouldn’t harm those people close to me, like my spouse. This applied also to those people further away from me, such as loved ones and those who are acquaintances, friends, coworkers, etc. So I wouldn’t share anything that would harm them, but I would share with them what they already knew. 

Once, while I was working, my boss sent me one of those sexual jokes that he thought was funny. He didn’t know I was a sexaholic, so I spoke in general terms to protect him. I said, “Please don’t send me sexual jokes anymore. I’m allergic to that kind of stuff.” I paused in case he asked to know more. That’s an example of the small stuff. 

The more difficult material to share is with a loved one, especially a spouse. I didn’t share about the affairs with my wife. I didn’t share the things that would harm her that she didn’t know. I did share what she already knew: I had viewed porn and masturbated. I also shared that I didn’t want to do that anymore. I just wanted to have eyes for her. That was all the material I shared. I also told her that I belonged to SA. She didn’t like that. I said that’s what I needed to stop the porn and the masturbation. She tolerated that. 

But some people have done a complete disclosure. For me, it depends. It would depend on whether we were both in therapy and if we had full disclosure on both sides. It takes another sick person to be in a relationship with me because I am sick. Also, if the other person is not in a program, then it would be very harmful for them because they don’t have the tools or the resources to be able to deal with it. 

If my spouse was angry, rightfully so; if she couldn’t forgive, that was okay too. I kept changing for the better, and she didn’t like that. I was more thoughtful. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t easy to control. She didn’t like that at all. That was okay because my getting better was a good thing to happen in our marriage. 

In my experience, if loved ones don’t start working on themselves, they get worse. And that is okay because everybody has to have their bottom, and I can’t force that. That’s their choice, and it is up to them. It’s on them. I certainly forgave them for their indiscretion, their anger, and everything else. This didn’t happen instantaneously. It took a while, but I got peace and serenity in my heart. 

It’s so important to get a lot of help from sponsors and a whole bunch of people, especially those in the Program, because they know that a premature disclosure can harm the relationship, recovery, and all sorts of things.