I write this to express my gratitude to my Higher Power and SA for the gift of sexual sobriety. It has been a goal all my life but I could not attain it on my own, no matter how I tried. God knows how hard I tried! I grew up in an alcoholic home with a lot of violence. My father was an alcoholic who never got into recovery. My mother was a devout Irish Catholic who taught us children to be loving, decent and above all, to be chaste. I could not live up to that and consequently, I was prey to a lot of shame and guilt as I grew up.

I was in the fog all through puberty. I would hide in the upstairs back room to get away from the violence and I got into the habit of lustful fantasies, desires which led to masturbation once and sometimes twice a week. Each time this happened, I was filled with guilt and shame and self-loathing. I would go to another city to confession as I was too ashamed to go to the local priest who knew me. Then in a short time, I would repeat the process and this would reinforce my low self-esteem. I did not lose my belief in God but I thought God did not love me because of my repeated failure. I followed an older brother into religious life, but even then I did not stop acting out but would go to confession and promise not to masturbate ever again. I took to drinking to kill the pain and quickly became an alcoholic. Finally, in 1982, I went for treatment and I had a lot of denial and a few slips, but I always admitted the slips at meetings.

Finally, on retirement at the age of 70, I went to a therapy center and the group confronted me about my depression and anger and low self-esteem and finally, about masturbation. They recommended I go for help and sent me to SA. When I got here, the SAs told me I was addicted to lust and that I was not a bad person, but sick. Wow, what a relief! Why it never dawned on me that for me lust was an addiction and that I was powerless is a mystery. I indeed believe it is an addiction and though I had some denial about my alcoholism, I had no denial that I am a sexaholic. I have to avoid lust totally. For me, it is a mental obsession and if I allow my mind to dwell on lust, I am lost and back into acting out, slavery and sadness. I learned in philosophy that nothing comes into the mind except first through the senses. So I have to keep a close guard on my mind and imagination and my senses — especially the senses of sight and sound. Pornography and lust are no farther away from me than the touch of a button! I have come to know a power greater than myself in restoring me to sanity. I am okay and serene so long as I don’t take that first drink. If I do I am lost again and back into the addiction that is patient and always waiting for me.

I am in my second year of sobriety and I can hardly believe all the good changes that are happening to me. I thank SA, my sponsor, the 12 Steps and the fellowship. I am free and do not have to live in self-loathing, slavery and sadness — truly, beyond my wildest dreams. A lot of other good things are happening too. A lot less negative thinking, isolating and self-centeredness.

SA has made a believer out of me. I believe if I continue to work the program, I will get better and better and maybe God can use me to help another suffering sexaholic into recovery. Thank you God and SA.