From my earliest recollections at age four, I obsessed over nude women. Any woman I encountered was automatically visualized in the nude. This was true for strangers, relatives, and even the nuns who taught me in elementary school.

At puberty, I discovered masturbation, and my nude visualizations were transformed into sex fantasies. Masturbation and sex fantasy were compulsive from the start, and my two-part illness—obsession and compulsion—was complete.

I continued to masturbate and fantasize throughout my adolescence. Then, at age twenty-one, I got married, thinking that I would be cured with sex built into my life. But, of course, that didn’t work.

My obsession and compulsion continued for the fifteen years of that marriage. The marriage ended when I decided that I had the wrong wife; that if only I had the right wife, I would be cured. So I left my wife and seven children, got a divorce, and married a second wife, who would fix me. But, again, that didn’t work.

The problem was me, not my wives, but it would be many more years until I came to that understanding. So, after thirteen years in my second marriage, I decided that I made the same mistake twice. If I really had the right wife, I would be okay. Again, I left my second wife and two more children, got another divorce, and married a third wife.

Not only was I not cured, but I was getting progressively worse. What had been mostly kept secret from my first two wives became more and more apparent. My third wife took me to counselors, therapists, and psychiatrists, but to no avail. These professionals could not cut through my wall of denial.

After two years of this third marriage, my wife conducted a one-person intervention on my alcoholism, which had started at age thirty as I fought to avoid the guilt of my sexaholism. I spent a month at a treatment center, got very active in AA, and have not had a drink years since then. But I didn’t get well!

In fact, I got a lot worse. Without alcohol to mask my guilt, I had to face my sexual addiction alone. Quite a number of suicidal episodes ensued, and I was hospitalized twice for this extreme depression. My wife confronted me over my sexaholism, and I started to attend SA meetings on a regular basis. But that didn’t work, and I didn’t stay sober. At the time I felt that the program wasn’t right for me, but now I believe that I wasn’t ready for the program.

Throughout my extreme depression, I had been unable to work. It was almost impossible for me to get out of bed most of the time, and I was certified for long-term disability benefits. No one knew whether I would ever be able to work again.

Eventually, after two years of deep depression, and after the loss of my professional career and related medical insurance, I was forced to change psychiatrists. This new professional decided very quickly that I was manic-depressive and needed lithium carbonate. His diagnosis, based on the ups and downs of my addictive cycle, was wrong, but the medication did level out my life to the point where I believed I could get some kind of job. As I searched for work, it seemed that everyone felt that I was over-qualified for any job I thought I could handle. After several months, I decided to go to California for a fresh start. After arriving in California, I soon found nonprofessional work by not disclosing my education or work history.

My addiction worsened progressively. Although I attended AA meetings with some regularity, I didn’t make any SA contacts there. I drifted steadily into pornography—porno shops and porno flicks.

Eventually, my third wife gave up all hope of helping me. I found myself living alone in a flophouse hotel in downtown San Diego, frequenting the porno places, losing my job, and really going crazy. Desperation drove me once again to the brink of suicide.

In powerless hopelessness, in this darkest night of my soul, I looked up the SA number and phoned for help. I got to an SA meeting, got a sponsor right away, worked the Steps diligently, stayed sober, and got to Step Nine within a few months.

With one year of sobriety, and a lot of work on Steps Nine, Ten, and Eleven, I returned to the Southwest, to my second wife and family. After a second year of sobriety and total abstinence, we were remarried. I continue to go to SA meetings and to work the Steps. I do extensive Twelfth Step work with prisoners. Life has never been better.

With over fifteen years of continuous sobriety and recovery, I have been relieved almost completely of my obsession and compulsion. My spiritual development has been enhanced through prayer and meditation, through a steady diet of spiritual reading, and through the inspiration of several very caring and inspiring ministers.

Every aspect of my life has changed nearly 180 degrees. Love has replaced lust to a very great extent. The avoidance of acting out has been replaced largely by a more positive sobriety and the actions of love. While my first wife is deceased, I enjoy a good friendship with my third wife. I am pursuing healing relationships with my nine children, 24 grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. If I live long enough, I am determined to have my family know and love the new father, grandfather, and great-grandfather they never knew.

There are a number of lessons that I have learned at various stages of my recovery:

• When I lived alone in my first year of sobriety, I learned that life without sex is infinitely better than life with compulsive sex.
• When I lived with my second wife for a year before we were remarried, I learned that love without sex is infinitely better than sex without love.
• Since our remarriage, I have learned that making love is infinitely better than having sex.
• In recovery, I continue to be surprised that there are no limits to the development of positive sobriety, spiritual life, and love in action.

Through telling parts of my story and sharing my experience, strength, and hope with prisoners in some 500 letters over the last 10 years, I have observed that the more I give to others, the more comes back to me.

My life is manageable today, but I have to remember who the manager is. God is truly doing for me what I could not do for myself. I have experienced all of the promises of the program to a very significant degree.

I continue to work the SA program on a daily basis. I attend meetings regularly. I continue to make amends as opportunities occur. I take inventory continuously, and try to correct my thoughts, words, and actions in midstream. I pray and meditate daily, and continue to discover and pursue God’s will for me. I continue to serve as a local SA Contact, to sponsor those who ask, and to sponsor prisoners by mail.

I thank God every day for my new life, my growing love, and SA. Truly, my life has never been better, and it continues to improve beyond all of my hopes. Thank you, SA!