This line comes from an old Simon and Garfunkel song and it describes what happens to me whenever I have a slip in the program. Each time I slip, I slide further away from my Higher Power. I do believe it is possible to have a program without slips. That was the theme of the Colorado Evergreen conference this year: “Recovery without Relapse.”

Over the years I have had my share of slips and often joked that I could write a book on the subject. I decided to write this article instead.

I want to use the metaphor of a wild horse to describe what the conference speaker shared with us. One of the first things he mentioned is that you choose to stay sober each day even if your ass falls off. So when you get on this bucking horse, which is your addict, he will toss and turn and try to get you off balance. If you get bucked off (have a slip), you experience pain such as guilt and shame. You can even get seriously hurt such as contracting a STD, going to jail, or even dying.

In order to stay on the horse, you must do what it says in the AA Big Book in the chapter on “How It Works.” You have to be painstaking, be willing to go to any lengths, have rigorous honesty, and be fearless from the time you first get on the horse. The horse is cunning, baffling, and powerful, so unless you hang on for dear life, you will slip again.

As you work the Steps, you will maintain daily contact with your sponsor, pray, meditate, and go to meetings. You will begin to get progressive victory over lust. You will look forward to each new day, to riding the horse, and to seeing the beauty that is in the world.

If you have fantasies, view pornography in any form, make calls to act out, go to strip joints, or even take the second look, you will get bucked off again, even though you may think you are still riding the horse. This would be akin to falling out of the saddle and still having one foot in the stirrup as the horse drags you along. This may not be as painful as getting bucked off, but it will still hurt.

A turning point comes when you will either get bucked off, or the horse will start to lose his fight. Our Higher Power protects us at this point and reveals His love to us.

Your relationship with the horse can become so close that you both look forward to seeing each other every day. The horse knows that all his needs will be met and you know that in return the formerly wild horse will make sure you are happy, joyous and free.