This sponsor/friend thing has been emotional for both of us. I have so much life stuff going on that I haven’t been dealing with my feelings around our relationship. Part of me doesn’t know how. I’ve never been in this situation before. To be a sponsor is one thing, it’s more cut and dried. A friend is another thing completely; it takes the “conditions” out. But being both has turned out quite confusing for me. I think I need time to separate that out.

I have to fully surrender you to God. I have to step away to see if you will stay in SA without me in the immediate picture. If you don’t, it would be an injustice to both of us to try to force the relationship. I want to share with you the clear, cold, refreshing water of recovery. But, you see, it is quite a hike up the mountain to reach the glacier. If you need a rest, take it. I’m sorry I can’t wait for you, but my dear, I have had a taste, and I can’t/won’t settle for less. It is muddy sludge in fact where you have settled (in the Twelve Step recovery program, not life). This is where the line of friend/sponsor got so confusing.

I accept you where you are—although it makes me sad to see what you are missing. As a sponsor, I would be cheating you and draining myself to hold your hand through this. I am talking strictly from a Twelve Step program reference. I am so deeply immersed in the lifestyle that it is difficult for me to separate it out, especially with our background.

I believe God can completely heal you, or me. He may have freed you forever—but (warning, this will be blunt) I see a huge lesson in humility coming for you when it comes to being powerless over this addiction. At any point it could knock you (or me) over the head and take us down a swirling river with a waterfall looming in the distance. I am preparing with the life vest, raft, friends, lessons, etc. And having the time of my life doing it. Learning about the river, learning to recognize danger before I’m in it, not being alone in the boat, and—most important—how to have God as the guide in this journey. I can’t sit as your only lifeline in the boat, when you aren’t even paddling. I wouldn’t be much of a mentor if I did. I don’t think that highly of myself, and I know you have your paddle in the water some. But darlin’ you have taken the life vest off. Throughout the duration of our time I have often wondered if you see the danger. This disease is deadly. Go to a Step One meeting if you can.

I will always love you and be your friend to the best of my ability. I am willing to sponsor you when you are desperate for that clear water. When you’re willing to climb. When you are ready to put your recovery before all other things (except God of course).

Please don’t be the victim that pushes me away. My mother does that and it’s something I have deep troubles dealing with. Maybe it’s some sort of mirror that I must come across on the trail of the mountain.

I was glad to hear that you have gotten a temporary sponsor. There’s nothing more I would like to see than for you to immerse yourself in this program—with or without me. I have put you and me together in God’s loving capable hands. That is where we can both be, where we belong.