Often when I’m in an SA meeting, I’m not really listening to the words of the readings. I’ve probably heard the words “Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid . . .” (SA 203, “The Problem”) a thousand times. But one day, the meaning of these words really hit me:

Inadequate. Something is wrong with me. I cannot control it. It controls me. I am powerless to stop. I feed my sexual frenzy by flirting, taking in the images, consuming porn, and acting out. All this fantasy activity takes away from my already limited mental resources. When I dedicate 30% of my mental activity to fantasy, I am 30% less adequate than those who don’t.

Unworthy. Something is wrong with me. I cannot control it. It controls me. I’m powerless to stop. My disease is not a social disease. It’s an isolating disease, whispered in the shadows. The disease is embarrassing. It speaks of the unspeakable. It shames me and makes me feel less than. I feel burdened and unclean. I feel unworthy.

Alone. Something is wrong with me. I cannot control it. It controls me. I am powerless to stop. I cannot connect with others because I feel I have little to offer in any relationship. I retreat into my thoughts. My fantasies entertain me. I become lost in fantasy and withdraw further from those who love me. I am alone.

Afraid. Something is wrong with me. I cannot control it. It controls me. I am powerless to stop. I fear others will find out my secrets. The embarrassment and shame that would cause scares me half to death—not enough to make me stop but enough to keep me alone and isolated.

In my addiction, I lost my wife, my house, and my kids. I remarried and lost that wife, house, and kids. I was totally consumed by this disease. I was unbathed and unshaven. The refrigerator was empty. The shades were drawn tight and the grass outside was uncut. I was on a slow-moving train bound for hell. I was acting out with anyone with a pulse. I hated myself. I hated everything.

But apparently this is not God’s will for me. God put people in my life to help influence my behaviors. I found SA and struggled at first, but I kept trying. I never gave up. I wanted what others had and was willing to go to any lengths to get it. Now, I have been in recovery long enough to have a relationship with God. My sobriety date is August 17, 2000.

I’ve been in recovery long enough to realize that I am Adequate. In the past I wanted all or nothing. I lived at the extremes. If I could not do it well, then I did not want to do it at all. Now I live in the middle. I’m not at either extreme. I am comfortable in my own skin. I do not pretend I am all or know all. Failure will not cause me to drink or act out, because failure too comes and goes. Failing is what everybody in the middle does. I am adequate and that’s fine with me.

I’ve been in recovery long enough to know that I am Worthy. In recovery I have found self-worth. I realize the value of having lived through my experiences. I realize I can share with others and they can benefit. If I can help just one person to stay out of the quagmire I was in, then I have great worth. I see how I fit in with others, and I know who I am and where I am going.

I’ve been in recovery long enough to know that I am Not Alone. Recovery has given me a greater connection than I ever imagined. I have a connection with my Higher Power. I have a connection with my wife that is beyond my wildest dreams. I am connected to every member of this recovery community—and for this I will forever be grateful.

I’ve been in the program long enough to know that I am Fearless. The phone rings…is it her? My wife wants to go on my computer… so what? In the past I lived two lives and was in constant fear of being found out. Both worlds were bound to collide. I don’t do that anymore. Today I’m transparent. What you see is all there is. I’m not in constant fear of being found out. All my closets are clean; there are no lingering skeletons. I am at peace with myself.

For the newcomer, the road ahead may seem long and perilous. As I had to learn myself, we are asked to replace something we know with something we have not learned about. We need faith to believe that if we do the right things, we will achieve the desired results.

For the old-timer, the road is still long. God did not give us sobriety and sanity only for our own good. I must help others. God spared me from the full consequences of my addictions so that I can help others avoid the pitfalls I fell into. I am God’s mouthpiece.

Each of us has the skill, background, and experience to reach the newcomer who still suffers. Our individual skill sets reach individual newcomers. I am the only one who can reach certain people. Each of us is vital to this process.