I’m just an ordinary person, but special in the eyes of God. I’ve been involved with SA since 1993. It took me six years to be able to maintain any sort of sobriety. Until then I had not surrendered my “right to lust.” In 1999, I finally made the choice to do just that and was able to stay sober. I chose to take back that right in 2004 and twice had “slips” (Acts of Self-Destruction, or “ASDs”). My current sobriety date, by the grace of God, is December 15, 2004. I am not only committed to sobriety, but I am incredibly committed to recovery.

For a long time, I’ve had a strong desire to write for SA. As soon as I was aware that an SA meditation book was in the works, I’ve wanted to contribute. I’ve thought that writing down some of my thoughts as meditations would be a wonderful opportunity to share with others.

But I never took action on that desire until a year and a half ago, when I severely hurt my back. I was literally flattened, stopped dead in my tracks. I spent three months on the floor. I suddenly had lots of time on my hands. I don’t think that my God “did this to me” so that I would finally write down the thoughts that come into my mind. However, I have used this time as an opportunity to listen more closely and write more quickly. My hope is that as I slowly become more mobile, I will continue to respond to God’s quiet voice. It is very easy to crowd out that voice.

When I write, I don’t sit down and say, “I think I’ll write today,” then try to come up with something to write about. The meditations just “come” to me. It’s as if God plants an idea in my mind and my job is to write it down. The important thing is to do just that: to take the time to sit down, that very day, and write. So many times in the past, I’ve jotted down short notes to myself with the intention of going back at a more convenient time and writing about them. Unfortunately, much more often than not, when I do go back I have no idea what my notes mean. Slowly, I’m learning to write, even if the time is not “right.” I really don’t see myself as a writer. It’s more like I’m a scribe or someone taking dictation. I just write down what comes to me.

As part of my recovery, I make a renewal call every day to my sponsor. One of the things that I commit to is to place “goals before busyness” for the next 24 hours. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of the day and forget that my goal is to continue to grow in my relationship with God. Part of that relationship is to act on the things that I think He is impressing on me to do. He has definitely been impressing on me the need to write down my thoughts for quite some time.

Following are two of the many meditations I’ve written. I hope to share more of these with the fellowship in the future.

A Pearl

Oysters are craggy and rough looking on the outside. But inside, they often contain a pearl. This pearl forms when a tiny grain of sand enters the life of the oyster. Ever so slowly, shimmering layers coat this ever-present irritant. Were it not for the grain of sand, a pearl would never result.

My life often contains irritants that I would rather not have present. Circumstances, people, things or institutions may intrude in on me. I would rather be rid of them, or better yet, not ever experience them in the first place. However, my Higher Power may allow these irritants to remain.

I can choose to respond with anger or resentment. Or I can choose to respond with acceptance and surrender. I can choose to believe that I would not have things otherwise even if I could. It is when I choose these attitudes that my God can work wondrous miracles. He can build a pearl in my life that would otherwise not be possible.

Ashes

A forest stands powerless before a fire. The fire rages, swiftly consuming all that stands in its path. It is out of control. What was once a forest is now burnt and barren. Nothing but ashes. Nothing untouched. Then, unbelievably, the ashes left behind enrich the soil. They become a bed for new growth. And after a time new life does appear. It is miraculous that something so destroyed can become beautiful again.

My life was destroyed by addiction. I was the fire. My choices had consumed everything in their wake. I was out of control. It seemed as if the only thing left was ash. But my Higher Power took those very ashes and began His work. I admitted utter powerlessness and through that admission God began to restore me. It is a process. It takes time for that new growth to appear. But as surely as a forest can be rebuilt after a fire, my life can be rebuilt as well. Unbelievably, my very weakness, my addiction, becomes the vehicle by which God draws me to Himself. Unbelievably, I am relieved of my bondage. God uses my past and my difficulties to bring others into recovery. I bear witness to God’s power and His love. I have a new way of life.