My name is Debbie. I’m a recovering sexaholic, sober since November 1, 2006. Because of the fellowship of SA, I’ve learned to live happy, joyous, and free today, as described in the AA Big Book (AA 133). I’ve experienced progressive victory over lust and my other character defects as I’ve learned to surrender them to God. I’ve seen this same progress in other SA members, including a female friend who comes to meetings smiling all the time. She is recovering and has her family back. Another friend—who lost his family because of his addiction—also comes to meetings smiling and has a new outlook on life. I even see this new happiness in members who have served time in prison.

The people I know in SA are my friends. I love being around them because I can trust them. They love and accept me as I am, even though they know my worst failures and secrets. I no longer spend time with my old friends. I don’t tolerate people who try to abuse me physically, sexually, or emotionally. I feel like a whole person now. I’m able to walk in the sunshine and not in the shadows of secrets and shame.

Before joining SA, I didn’t want to live. I attempted suicide once and fought depression and suicidal thoughts for 30 years. I was in counseling for almost that long with three different psychologists.

I had secrets that I never wanted to tell anyone, not even my counselors: I had been sexually abused by my mother, aunt, and grandmother since I was three years old. Later in life, I was also molested by three different male pastors. I didn’t trust anyone and felt much shame and self-reproach over these incidents. I was unable to mention the abuse to any counselor until I had spent six or seven years in therapy with that counselor.

I was also raised being told, “Men only want one thing—sex—and then they are done with you.” I believed that all men regarded me as an object to be used and not loved. Because of my experiences, anything related to sex seemed disgusting to me. I considered myself to be an “it.” I didn’t want to be female or male. My life was controlled by fear.

I kept most people at arm’s length, screaming inside, “Stay away from me!” Thus began my complete avoidance of sexual intimacy. That doesn’t mean I never thought about sex. I thought about sex a lot: how to avoid it and how horrible it was.

My childhood was difficult and painful. I’m a twin and my sister came home from the hospital four weeks before I did. I was always told how much better things were before I came home. I believed that the bonding had already been set between my mom and sister before I arrived.

My mom was also emotionally abusive. My sister was always better than I was. I tried in vain to win my mom’s approval by going to nurse’s training and to a Bible college. I earned several college degrees, but this did not seem good enough.

My deeper secret was that I was obsessed with masturbation from about the age of nine. It was the only thing that gave me moments of relief from the emotional pain. As I grew older, the masturbation increased. It was a tension reliever, my sleeping pill, my escape, and a friend who I could always count on. I knew I couldn’t count on anyone or anything else in my life.

Even though masturbation brought me emotional relief from pain, afterward I felt the much greater pain of shame, self-hatred, and self-reproach. I would masturbate to images of the specific abuse I had suffered as a child. By reliving fantasies of the abuse in this way, I abused myself even more than my relatives had. Thoughts of sex and of trying to avoid sex and masturbation were constantly in the forefront of my mind. These thoughts affected all of my relationships. I didn’t trust anyone.

I was engaged at 29 but I didn’t want to have anything to do with sex. I was terrified of the intimacy of sex, of being out of control and under another’s control, once again an object to be used. I broke off the engagement a month before the wedding for other reasons, but this reinforced my beliefs that I could not trust a man. I decided I would never marry even though I had wanted children. I decided I could always adopt.

Four years ago, because of my age, my doctor scheduled a routine medical procedure for me that brought back memories of my specific type of abuse. This experience threw me into a severe panic attack. My psychologist began more intense therapy with me, and somehow I was finally able to tell him my secret and thus release the shame and anger. I was also able to tell him my fear that I might be a sex addict.

The psychologist referred me to SA. He told me to try six meetings before making any decisions about whether to continue. I thought I should do whatever he said because I desperately wanted to get well. After almost 30 years of counseling I still wasn’t well. But I was also scared to death to go to SA. I thought sex addicts were only men and that only men masturbated, thus increasing my shame. I also thought that only rapists and pedophiles would attend the meeting. I was terrified.

I decided to go to three meetings a week for two weeks so that my six meetings would be over quickly, thus fulfilling my counselor’s requirement. Then I would tell him that I had tried, but decided not to continue. But I sobbed through the entire six meetings. What I felt was the truth of “The Solution” (SA 61): I had found the real Connection. I was home.

I got a temporary sponsor right away who later became my permanent sponsor: a man with 20 years of sobriety. I know that our program does not encourage opposite-sex sponsors, but there were no other women in the group at the time so I had no choice. He was and is a great sponsor. He listened, cared, and encouraged me. He gave me assignments, which I did. He had me do my Fourth Step inventory and my Fifth Step of giving it away to him within two months of my entering the program.

I felt like I was walking on cloud nine after sharing my inventory with my sponsor. The weight was lifted from me and I felt like a totally new person. After I shared, he didn’t shame me or tell me that I was a horrible person. In fact, he thanked me for trusting him and giving him the opportunity to be of service. He hugged me, then offered suggestions to help me recognize my character defects. These defects are what kept leading me into situations that fed my fears, anger, and emotional pain—and the emotions are what led me to want to escape, to medicate.

Since reading my Fifth Step, the obsession of my disease has been lifted. I haven’t acted out since. That doesn’t mean the desire is gone, but that working the Steps and using the tools I have been taught in this program have helped me stay sober.

After completing my Fourth and Fifth Steps, I told my sponsor about other Twelve Step programs I had previously participated in, and asked him whether I could now go back to one of those instead of SA. I still wanted to escape association with SA because of the social stigma of SA that I felt from some people. This stigma does not seem to exist in other Twelve Step programs. But I also told my sponsor that I really did not feel at home at those meetings as I do in SA. He told me that it didn’t matter which program I attended, because each addiction is just a different form of medicating. He said we all have the same inner disease, pain, and fears that we are trying to medicate. He told me to just pick one program and stick with it, because they all use the same Twelve Steps.

Once my sobbing stopped, I decided to stick with SA, because I feel at home with what SA offers. If we can talk about our sexual addiction here, then there is nothing we can’t talk about. SA is the only place I know where I can be truly open and honest about my feelings and know that I will be understood and accepted. That, to me, is true intimacy. This is something we adults all crave: to be known by another—secrets and all—and still be accepted and loved. That also means being open to feedback from those I have come to trust regarding areas of my life that I need to work on and change.

In the past I was told that I intimidate others. I never knew how I did that, so I was afraid and unsure about how to talk to people without scaring them away. In SA, members have encouraged me to reach out, telling me that SA is a place where I can practice communication. If I make a mistake, I will still be accepted. I can always make amends, I won’t be kicked out, and others will help me learn how to say or do things better.

I have come to love all the guys in our group. I see them all as my brothers and have learned to trust them. I have learned that the men are as vulnerable as I am and that we all have common fears and insecurities. It has taken me longer to learn that I could also trust women because I haven’t had as much experience with women in our group. However, my experience with the men, going to meetings, staying in contact with my sponsor, and doing my assignments have all helped me to grow and overcome my character defects. Learning to live the Twelve Steps as a way of life, I have come to love and like myself.

I now accept myself as someone my Higher Power loves and wants the best for. I am learning more and more how to set boundaries, something I didn’t handle well before. I am learning to trust myself, to treat myself with respect, to believe that I am someone of value who has something to offer to others.

Before I came to SA, I would overcompensate and try to outdo others just to feel equal with them—but no more. Today I know that I am good enough, and if someone doesn’t like or accept me, I am still able to accept myself. I am a loyal friend, give people a chance, am empathetic, and laugh a lot. I’m fun to be around. My inner child comes out to play a lot and we have fun—something I never knew how to do before I came to SA.

By the way, I am now happily married (for the first time), and my fear and avoidance of sexual intimacy has been lifted. I haven’t had any more suicidal desires or thoughts since entering SA three and a half years ago. I have so much to be thankful for and mostly it is due to SA.