One of the ways I continued in my addiction and acting out was by going to SA meetings (no, that is not a typo!). That was because “going to meetings” was all I wanted to do to stop acting out. I wanted an “easier, softer way” (AA 58). I wanted to design my own program, and that meant just going to meetings. But acting out is a result of the problem; it is not the problem itself. And going to meetings is not the solution to the problem—at least not by itself. So just going to meetings didn’t keep me sober. Reduced to the most basic statement, God keeps me sober. But I couldn’t get sober because I was running away from God.

In the past, I was so ashamed of the lusting and acting out I was doing as an addict that I wanted to somehow get rid of “the problem” before I could turn and face God. But being an addict meant precisely that I could not get rid of the problem (me), so I ran further and further from God (but really not making any progress). Shame and pride are a deadly combination for me.

One of the things that has really helped me stop running from God and start running to Him—in surrender—is to embrace the truth that I am a sexaholic. SA is not a means by which I can somehow eradicate “the addict” from my being. I am what I am. I am as much a sexaholic as I am 183 cm tall (72 inches) and have brown eyes and brown (but graying) hair.

I now find that the greatest asset in connecting with “a loving God” is my brokenness. I’m a sexaholic, and I’m beloved of God. That’s what makes God so amazing! Now I just bring all the mess that is “me” to Him and let Him do the cleaning up. And since the God of my understanding already knows all of my faults before I admit them to myself, there is no point in trying to run and hide from Him.

For me, surrender is a conscious effort to connect with God through prayer at every moment, and turn over to Him my difficulties and myself. As I become aware of a temptation or disturbance, I accept it as an immediate reminder to turn to God in prayer and speak to Him as honestly as I can. I offer up to Him the temptation or disturbance in an act of surrender.

Sometimes I imagine my open hands, and sometimes I actually get on my knees with outstretched arms and open hands. I do whatever it takes. I thank God for receiving the temptation from me. Then I go and do the next right thing. Or I pray for the knowledge of His will so that I can then go and do the next right thing. And I surrender to His will.

My surrender to God—both in the specific moments of temptation and as I practice working the Steps with a sponsor—seems to be the conduit by which God grants me the gift of sobriety and relief from the obsession and compulsion. Surrender, and then surrender again. And God does for me what I cannot do for myself.

In fellowship,