My tale begins over 12 years ago. At the time, I observed that—as I walked from my car to a downtown SA meeting—I would often notice the women coming toward me or even across the road or on the sidewalk, and smile at them. Sometimes what I noticed about them turned to fantasy, and I would have to surrender this during the subsequent meeting.

This bothered me, as the noticing sometimes stirred up lust. A newcomer with whom I shared this was surprised that, with all of my sobriety, I would still struggle with lust at times. His comment startled me and forced me to question my behavior. Yet I told myself, “I’m a friendly guy!” How could I acknowledge a woman and yet avoid the lust?

Then an idea for an experiment came to mind. For a month I would commit myself to only noticing whether a woman was looking at me as we crossed paths. Following the advice in “Another Look at Lust” (Recovery Continues 8-10), I would not send out the radar; I would only pay attention if the “radar signal” came to me from the woman. The results of this experiment were so startling that I continued the experiment for nearly a year. The results never changed.

I learned that a woman coming toward me or coming across the way never looked at me—not even once! So regarding being “friendly,” the behavior came from me to her. This was very humbling! And it was very helpful knowledge about my disease, as well as my choices.

Just a few days ago while crossing a freeway overpass heading to church I saw a woman jogging toward me on the sidewalk. I looked down until she got safely by. The “safely” was for my inner safety—she was at no risk from me.

Long ago my sponsor taught me that if I don’t take in a lust image, I don’t have to use our SA tools to get it out. As the woman passed, I was relieved that I took nothing in from her. My experiment from years ago suddenly became clearer. Not only did those women never look at me—they also taught me how I could, as a sexaholic, choose to behave. If I choose to turn off my radar, I won’t grab lust images or find myself surrendering stuff at the next SA meeting. What a discovery!

Whenever I read in our literature that “every time [I am] disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with me” (12&12 90), the words jump off the page. Every disturbance is God giving me a chance to learn something about myself. When I notice someone in a lustful way, I am indeed disturbed. But when I turn off my radar, my disturbances melt away.