When I first started attending SA, it was a breath of fresh air. After coming to meetings and listening others share, I was able to admit my weaknesses and faults. Before I could not admit I was a “sex, pornography and lust addict.” When I finally did, a great feeling of relief came over me. When I said I wanted to have what you have, you told me I had to “come to meetings, get a sponsor, work the Steps.” When I had the desire to act out, I was told to make calls. I came to meetings, I got a sponsor, and I started working the Steps. Soon I was getting what you had: sobriety.

But sobriety was not all I wanted. I wanted to be part of the groups. I wanted the fellowship and the opportunity to be accepted. So, I began working “Step 0” in the White Book. I went to early morning meetings and joined in breakfast with others before the meetings. I helped set up chairs. After the meeting, I helped to tear them down. I really like the people in my groups. They are suffering addicts like me. They, like me, suffered our addiction for years. When they hit bottom, they sought the SA fellowship.

While the actions of Step 0 were helping me gain sobriety and some fellowship, there was something troubling me. I knew I needed to make some changes, or I was going to leave the groups I so desperately needed and probably start acting out again.

What bothered me? I resented the vulgarity outside the meeting. I did not like to hear swearing, God’s name used in vain, the constant f-bombs, the language of anger, and at times bitterness towards wives, bosses, children, jobs, neighbors, etc. This language led me to isolation in the past. As a young person I would never use shortcuts of vulgarity or temper. I always felt that it was not what my Higher Power wanted me to use. I felt that swearing did not bring me closer to Him and, in fact, drove Him away.

As I thought more about the language used outside of the meetings, I realized that I did not need to be exposed to it. If I started to try to fit in by using it, I would not be true to myself. I need not join in discussions when this language is used. I stayed out of conversations that talked about families, jobs, and bosses in negative terms. I walked away from off color jokes. I only talked about my family in terms of how SA had saved my marriage to my wonderful wife and that being part of the Fellowship allowed me to be with my family.

There were other parts of Step 0 I could be working. I came to meetings early and talked to friends in the rooms. I volunteered to chair meetings. I took on the roles of secretary, Intergroup Group Service Representative, retreat chairman and other positions as they came up. I started doing newcomer breakout sessions during regular meetings for people coming for the first time. I worked more with my sponsees.

I do not shun or judge those whose language bothers me. Unless they are really struggling with anger and resentments, their language is very much like mine. Recently a good SA friend called about frustration he was having with his wife. At first every other word was “f-bomb this” and the “f-bomb that.” As the anger and frustration dissipated, his language became less “colorful.” We discussed what was happening and his wonderful sense of humor reappeared. I knew he would be okay. It is important for me to listen. Although many times I feel language blocks my Higher Power, He still uses these wonderful friends to talk to me.