I am Samar G from Egypt. I am a sexaholic. My active addiction has a long history. I tried so many things in my life. My suffering started when I was young. I was abused by one of my relatives. I was in grade 3 or 4. I had no idea what he was doing. I felt that there was something wrong. I tried to escape from him. I was afraid to tell anyone about it, so I kept it down in my heart. This man was sneaky. I tried to avoid him as much as I could. That was how my addiction started. I knew nothing about sex or anything, but I started to masturbate early on when I was a kid. My mum caught me once, she started screaming at me and told my dad. They said that I have something which I shouldn't lose. They meant my virginity. My mum refused to answer my private questions telling me that it is shameful to talk about those things. I started to have my own resources to know, I started to know information from a friend of mine at first. I kept masturbating for many years without having good knowledge about anything. I masturbated because of The fake feelings of Joy I had.
As days and years passed by I went deeper and deeper towards my Black hole of addiction. I got abused by some other people in middle and high school. I became a true addict to masturbation. I spent most of my days masturbating.
After college my addiction to pornography started. I became a true addict of images and fantasy. I started to have some sexual affairs with guys. After graduation, I spent most of my life with guys, masturbation, and pornography. I canceled lots of my work to have high new doses of my addiction. I got attracted to guys so much. I liked to attract them too. I liked to be lusted after. I liked to be the center of the universe for guys.
As I went deeper towards my addiction, I got more depressed. I suffered a lot. I had a huge feeling of shame. I tried a lot to pray to GOD, to have a good relationship with him but I felt that he didn't like me, and was a failure.
I started to have depression. I struggle a lot with it. I had some characteristics of borderline personality disorder. I suffered not only from suicidal thoughts and attempts but many harmful self-destructive behaviors like cutting. I went through very hard break ups with boys whom I loved and had sexual affairs with. I used to get my value from sex. I felt that I have no self-esteem, I hated myself a lot. I was empty inside. I was rolling down in the deep. I suffer from somatization. My body is highly sensitive to my psychological state. I got many diseases like Fibromyalgia, migraine, thyroid gland problems etc...
I started my therapy many years ago to deal with depression and borderline. I learnt a lot from therapy. It truly saved my life. Afterwards I joined the SA fellowship. It is the most amazing place and community. I got an amazing awesome sponsor. She is still helping and inspiring me. I started to share with people about my feelings, I started to have a good healthy connection with my higher power, I admitted for the first time in my life that I am a sexaholic and I have no control over lust. I started to love myself and to take care of myself.
I did step one, two and three very well. When I started to do step four, I stumbled over my traumas. I didn't share or talk about this heavy dark side before, so I had to look for a new therapist to deal with my PTSD. I am doing deeper work right now. I still go through depression episodes, but I have an awesome place to go and share which is the SA fellowship. I can go to meetings online at any time of the day in order to listen to other people's experiences. I can share and ask for feedback if needed. I can stick to recovery tools and processes. I can find people who are the same as me. We can support each other. I can have my healthy connection with my higher power without feeling that he hates me or the concept that he is punishing me. He is a loving kind God. I am not here to be tortured by him.
Before coming to SA, I had never learnt anything from my relapses. I was filled with shame, self-hatred and pain. Now I can learn a lot of lessons from my relapses. I guess that I had 5 or 6 relapses since I joined SA. I used to attend meetings after my relapses to share about my pain and I was brave enough to ask for feedback.
I learnt not to focus on counting my days of sobriety as it was stressful for me. I felt that it was like a competition so I relapsed. I learnt to write my qualities and my skills in a paper to read them whenever I feel shame. I learnt not to play with fire so I had to set up my boundaries and respect my weaknesses very well even if this was against my desire. I learnt to be open-minded by sharing a lot with my friends in SA and accepting them. I have to surrender to my Higher Power; my day, my life and my resentments.
Now I am having 7 months and a week of sobriety for the first Time in my life. I know that I must go through difficult stages and dark Times as the Recovery path is not covered with roses. It is ok not to be ok, it is ok to be out of my mind. It is only one day at a time.
I have to grow through pain. I have to be responsible for my recovery. I am grateful that GOD gave me the courage to join the SA fellowship. I am so grateful for myself, my friends in SA, my sponsor and the Plainview/Seaford meeting.
Samar G., Egypt