Experiencing Emotional Sobriety in Prison

My name is Raphael S., and I’m a grateful, recovering sexaholic. I’ve been sober by the grace of God and the help of all of you in this program of SA since April 7th, 2019. My home group is Crystal City, Virginia, USA.

What it was like: I was indoctrinated into a world of lust at the age of four when I was raped by my neighbor, who was nine or ten years old at the time. I didn’t understand what had happened to me, except that it was somehow my fault and I had to keep it a secret or else “bad things would happen.” From that moment until April 7th, 2019, I lived a double-life. I quickly learned to cope with the shame associated with my secret life through masturbation (age five), and pornography (age six). Even at that young age, I was “lost inside myself.” I was locked into an addictive cycle that would remain unbroken for over 30 years. How my addiction manifested itself is less important than this fact: if I thought I could get away with it I’d do it.

What happened: A miracle! I got caught acting out in an illegal act of voyeurism. One may not believe in miracles, and certainly believing getting caught is a miracle might be a stretch. But I’m 100% certain that nothing less would have broken the cycle I was in, and anything that could get me to stop is a miracle. I was brought to my knees, and I admitted defeat. I was ready to get help, and to get honest for the first time in decades. That night I did something the White Book cautions against: I made a disclosure to my wife. It may not have been wise, but I had put my wife and our family in harm’s way. I needed her to know the truth from me before she found out from a third party. I met with a new therapist, and upon her advice (“You need to go to SA meetings every day”) I walked into my first SA meeting on April 14th, 2019. In the subsequent two and a half years, I would attend over 800 meetings, most of which in SA.

What it’s like now: For the first time in my life, I am spiritually free. I got a sponsor and I worked the Steps. And when I was done, I worked the Steps again. I got a sponsee and worked him through the Steps. When we were done, I worked with another man through the Steps. Today, although I am serving a 50-month sentence for my terrible and illegal actions, I am still working a sponsee through the Steps over the phone once a week. I still qualify for this program, and for that reason I keep coming back. But I have the tools to navigate the hard times, friends to keep me connected, and a loving God to restore me to emotional sobriety and sanity.

You can contact me by email: newcastlegroup@gmail.com

Thank you for letting me share!