My name is Mike M. and I’m a sexaholic. I’ve been one since before I even understood what lust was. I’ve been sober over two years now thanks to the 12 steps of SA, working with a sponsor, and a Power greater than myself that I try not to understand, but to experience. I’m married to my wife and we have three boys, 17, 14, and 10.  

Recently we went on a short vacation over a long weekend. We drove about 3.5 hours from our home to go camping. My wife and I have both always enjoyed the outdoors, and we’ve gone tent camping with and without the kids probably 15-20 times throughout our relationship. However, something was different about this trip. I know it was different, but I’m not sure why. I’m hoping writing this article can help me to see it.  

As we were driving home on Monday afternoon after camping in a tent with our sons for three nights my wife made a curious statement to me. She said “Mike, that is the best vacation that I’ve been on with you since our honeymoon almost 20 years ago.” A statement like this from my wife hit me hard and caught me off guard. It knocked me off balance. 

At first, my brain told me to argue. To tell her about all the wonderful things we’ve done in between. Then my brain told me to jump into the quicksand of shame. Thinking about all the lies, pornography, and prostitution through all those years. Then a unique feeling came over me. Happiness. Gratitude. Acceptance. One or all three. Maybe more. 

What I realized almost right away was that I “had done nothing” special to make it a great vacation. I hadn’t been being extra nice to my wife in hopes of having sex. I hadn’t been treating the boys special, or differently because of the guilt I felt about the times I had exploded in rage or important events I might have missed. I was just there as a member of our family.

It made me do Step work on the difference between this one and some of our camping trips in the past. Here is what I came up with. I know first of all, I would have been upset that we were going on vacation in the first place. I would have been extremely busy at work, and no one seemed to appreciate that fact other than me! Also, the cost of going on vacation, even camping, was really expensive and that really produced a lot more stress in my life. And I already had plenty of that! 

And then there was all of the extra work. Gathering the camping equipment up. Planning what food to bring. Making sure the lanterns worked. Finding a campsite. My wife loves to obsess and talk about all of these details incessantly! Then everything has to get packed into the minivan, I have to drive my wife and kids to get there, and once there I have all the work to do to get everything set up. I swear I’ll never get to relax. When do I get to go on a real vacation for me! My disease of sexaholism had made me so ill that I could not differentiate between the true and the false. I was restless, irritable, and discontent until I could take a drink of lust. And vacation with my family got in my way of doing that.  

In recovery, which I’m only capable of on a foundation of sexual sobriety, I don’t have to hide from the next lust temptation. Struggle to turn my head when the next attractive woman walks by me in the campground. I get to have a NEW freedom and a NEW happiness. My illness of sexaholism had made me so ill that I didn’t realize that the fun was going on vacation in the first place. 

Even though I’m extremely busy at work, I was grateful I was able to take off time for vacation! Even though the cost of going on vacation is high, even camping, I was grateful that I could afford to go while my three sons are still at home with my wife and I. 

I also found out that the “extra” work was actually part of the fun! Gathering the camping equipment up. Planning what food to bring. Making sure the lanterns worked. Finding a campsite. I took the actions of love and I obsessed with my wife about all of these details incessantly! 

Now, to lead with my weakness, I did get pretty frustrated packing all of the equipment into the minivan, but I called my sponsor and he reminded me to BREATHE. Once I surrendered, I was able to enjoy the drive and just be with the family.  Wow! I didn’t have to do anything special. I didn’t have to make any elaborate speeches. “Don’t think, don’t drink, work the Steps.” The self-seeking slipped away. I didn’t have to get rid of it.  That’s the miracle. Thank you for a great vacation SA.