Some years ago, we started an online Persian SA meeting, which was the first online SA meeting as well as the first mixed meeting in our fellowship in Iran. In the beginning, there were some technical and online cultural issues but overall no major problems.

After a while we realized that some inappropriate things were happening behind the scenes between some female and male fellows. We heard that one of the ladies was sending inappropriate pictures of herself to male fellows and caused them to relapse. This affected our meeting in a bad way and the group deviated from its purpose. We tried a few times to solve this problem, but really we didn’t know how to deal with it. It was really new for us; the only resource we had was the mixed meetings article in the White Book (SA 178-179).

We didn’t have experience with mixed meetings, and more importantly, we grew up in a country where we were kept separated from the opposite sex in school, in university, at work, and even in the family. So we didn’t have the opportunity to learn how to live with the opposite sex in a healthy way.

I tried to keep my boundaries and my relationships with female members in service work healthy. After a while, I started sharing and talking about my problems, feelings, and thoughts with a lady who was a consultant outside of the program. While we always talked in an appropriate way, after a while, I realized that sometimes in my mind I tended to think about her from out of my disease and I started to grow a codependent feeling towards her. She was aware enough and stopped the relationship and after a while I stopped participating in mixed meetings because I could not find them healthy for me.

What I realized was that I have a problem relating to the opposite sex, not only in meetings but also at university, work, and family. So I knew that someday I would need to face this. Then, after having worked through all 12 Steps and having gotten to a better, more stable place in my recovery, I started participating in mixed meetings again, this time mostly in international ones. By now, I had a European sponsor who helped me to set boundaries in my relationship with ladies. He also shared that although in his country there had been no strict restrictions between men and women, he still had become a sexaholic, which helped me to see that the real problem is in me.

I saw that my sponsor always puts a third person in cc when he contacts a female. When I shared with him the problems that I had with ladies in my English class, he suggested some boundaries I could follow. I learned it’s not healthy when I am hiding something from my wife or sponsor that is related to my relationship with a lady, or when I feel shame about telling something related to that relationship.

I learned that I need to have a good and healthy reason to contact a lady in the program (AA 101-102) and to ask myself if I need to first check my reason with my sponsor or let a third person know about it. I need to respect whatever other boundaries a lady has with men. I let my wife know about my contact with ladies outside of the program and I let my sponsor know about my contact with ladies inside the program.

I also realized that I can’t contact a female member for experience, strength, and hope on something that is a little tricky, for example, about emotional or sexual matters. It’s better to be in a group or with someone there. Even in service work, I should be really careful, especially with a lady who is attractive to me. These are all true outside of the program also but are more strict for relationships inside the program.

I can not run away from the fact that human beings are of two genders and wherever I go there will be females. I would like to have a constructive relationship with everyone around me, but it can sometimes mean keeping enough distance. Mixed meetings give me the opportunity to practice this in a more safe environment. I am coming to see that opposite-sex human beings are just like me.

Nowadays I have friends of the opposite sex when I practice good boundaries. I have a good relationship with my sister-in-law and with ladies in the program, and I enjoy companionship with them in the program, service work, and other places.