I have been following a journey all my adult life toward what now, as a sober SA member, I think of as Step 1—and I am now almost 60. I am moved to write this article by The Real Connection reading for today, which at the time of writing is April 7. It describes a method of meditation which the writer felt could be useful to other members, that is, in silence paying attention to my breathing, and focusing on my breath as it goes in and out of my nose and mouth, letting go of my thoughts as they arise.

I was taught this method 30 years ago, and I used to drive to a weekly group where we practised this, sitting in a circle in silence. I could enjoy it fully and easily at the time.

Then, my acting out was only with self. Then my disease progressed, and I began to act out outside my marriage, with mitigating factors which are outside our scope here, but this is really where my sexaholism took off. With that, I lost all my spiritual practices and what I might call higher functions. As the White Book eloquently says, “The party is over.”

Then in 2020, broken completely, I was guided to SA by a leader of my faith tradition, which I was still trying to practice, but I had no real connection with my God, because I was dead inside. I seized SA to save my life, and threw myself into it. SA and my home group, then, soon, also my temporary sponsor, became in fact my Higher Powers.

I learned from the beginning again, as I read to leave at the door all my prior knowledge and other programs. I began by admitting I had (and still have) no power over lust, and began to work the Steps to connect with a Power greater than myself.

Once I had taken Steps 2 and 3, and admitted a new understanding of God into my life, accepting that my old understanding had not worked for me, the door opened. Or maybe the floodgates. My sponsors have, thank God, all encouraged me to try to take my own inventory (Step 10) and to try to connect with God in whatever understanding of prayer and meditation I had at the time (Step 11), from Step 2 onwards. In particular, I have asked God to keep me sober in the morning from day 1 in SA.

I very much found in my acting-out decades what the White Book says on Step 11, that in meditation, not having worked the Steps in SA, I was connecting with my dark side instead (SA 139).

Today I have worked all the Steps except for finishing amends, and my experience is radically different. Today’s reading really filled me with emotion. I belong to online groups, not in SA, where we meditate together using this method. It is totally awesome to read it being recommended by SA: it encourages me that I am on the right road.

Today I have a wonderful relationship with God. He is on every gratitude list. I love prayer and meditation today. The channel has been cleared by the Steps. What I love most of all was very much like the reading. When I switch off my phone and laptop—not mute and accessible, but off—and just sit staring at the soft rain falling, or the moon rising, or the birds which fly by all day. And it is easy then to have no thoughts at all, and to let go of any ones which do come, fairly quickly. This is my happiest form of meditation.

I also enjoy very much reading meditation books with daily readings: The Real Connection, AA’s Daily Reflections, and many other non-program literature which I have. My day goes well when I do both of these things: silent meditation and reading meditation. Sometimes I read in print, sometimes on Kindle. If I only do one of the two, my day has problems; if I don’t do either of them, my day is a disaster, and I end up with lots of amends to make.

As regards prayer, I have been praying daily since age 8. But it was the same story: until I connected with God in SA, I had no real, or at least functional or good, relationship with Him. I believe He was always offering one, but I just didn’t have what it took. At least it made me open to the idea of a Higher Power, at the very beginning of my SA journey, and, as I say, the least I do is ask Him to keep me sober daily.

Nowadays I begin my day with my own Steps 1 and 2 prayers, then Steps 3 and 7. Sometimes I vary this, by just expressing my turning my will, life, and myself, my thoughts, choices, actions, words spoken, outcomes, etc., over to His care and direction, in my own words. I did so this morning, rather than recite prayers. I have a very black and white, legalistic mind, due to a neurological disability, and it helps me at times to express myself freely, rather than by routine words.

During the day, I surrender temptations and “negative” feelings, thoughts, and harms done, to God, and if necessary, often to a fellow member. I try to practice pausing when upset or uncertain, as I have read to do, and quietly asking God for the next right thing to say or to do. Which, my sponsor tells me, can “often be doing nothing.” I’m beginning to improve at keeping up friendly companionship with Him in prayer. I keep thanking Him.

At the end of the day, I take my inventory, and share with my DSR partner, which, maybe rather endearingly, I believe God reads, so I am admitting my faults to Him, to myself, and to another person, as the Step says.

It would be lovely to conclude, “… then I sleep in peace,” but that subject would fill another article! However, it means my conscience is free, so I stay sober, at least.