In my Step work I spent quite some time on my negative attitude towards women. There seemed to be very little trust. How could there be when there was no trust in me? I had always been switching from Mr. Know-It-All to Mr. Pitiful. In the one role being blind to the mess I made of my life and to how I hurt others, minors and women included, and if the pressure was too high, I became the victim that needed everybody’s help and understanding.

The first cracks started to show in this self-deceitful mirror, thanks to self-help groups I attended, urged to do so by colleagues in the music band that I was part of. I used to give them a hard time with my self-centeredness, unreliability, and irresponsible actions. When I engaged myself in a complex relationship that made me almost totally unavailable as a colleague, they confronted me and drew the line: either stop that relationship or leave the band.

To this day I am still grateful for their courage and determination. Even though I was still in the dark about my lust addiction, they helped me take the first step in my postponed growing up.

In an attempt to build up a second career I took a course with almost only women as classmates. It was a new confrontation with my attempt to control my feelings and as spirituality was reintroduced in my life in this course, I gradually became aware of my emptiness inside and the gap between “[my inside] and what [I] saw on the outsides of others” (SA 203). It led me to admit to having a problem with compulsive looking for images on the internet. It took another few years before I went to an ‘S’ group.

After a rock bottom episode that revealed my lack of self-worth and an understanding of myself as a love cripple, I became sober through working the Steps with a sponsor, meetings, and doing service. In Steps Four through Nine, I admitted my fear of getting in touch with the pain underneath this negative thinking about women and facing my feelings of inadequacy. I found the right words and the courage to make amends. My “problem with women” clearly revealed some deep-rooted character defects, like fear of recognizing, facing, and expressing my feelings, dishonesty, lack of humility, control, and the habit of projecting all these defects upon others, often women. As a result I was unable to see myself in a lasting relationship, let alone marriage.

What does this look like in everyday practice today? The relationship with my sister has improved noticeably. I now see that my other sister, who died almost ten years ago, saw through me and confronted me in a way that she needed to do at the time to protect her family. I am working on the relationship with another member of the close family, praying for her and asking my Higher Power to please let me see her with eyes of understanding and forgiveness.

Some time ago, a local female member asked me whether I would be willing to write a song on the topic “Supporting Women in SA.” I felt truly honored. The input I based the lyrics upon were written by another female member. I could relate to the man she described, submerged in his acting out in isolation, being completely miserable and resentful. I only added how service helps me in being part of the group, as well as in overcoming self-will, self-centeredness, impulsivity, lack of responsibility, control, and doing things my way, up to trying to set the rules.

I asked the woman member I had consulted, to sing the song together with me and so we did. The song can be heard as an ode to this wonderful fellowship of women and men.

The Unity Complete

A man… got blinds to the windows; what can’t stand daylight?
His front yard looks desolate, a jungle downright!
A man… day after day, an all nighter too
His addiction to porn is the one trick he can do

That man… lonely, neglected, afraid, feels rejected

One day… he can’t stop the habit, it’s having him hooked
He’s looking for havoc, it’s having him nooked

‘Cos then…he busts the computer, what did he do to her?!

And then… he sees his reflection in the screen that fades out,
Does not recognize himself in that pale snout
His heart shrinks… he panics… with fear fueled blood
Alongside a calm -that it stops- somehow odd
But still… he curses all women (this rage somehow sweet)
In that deadly cold moment his splitness complete

He remembers a podcast on ‘Lust as a Load’
But that’s not about him, he is not trudging that road!
Yet browses his phone, finds a number and taps
A woman answers, before he knows it, he unwraps…
…his condition, would SA be for him?
She asks: would you quit? He says ‘yes’ in a whim
She mentions a day and a time, and an address
A flash through his mind: ‘chatting her up would be madness?’

He stands in front of the door, his heart in his throat
Then he enters the room, there’s a whole lot of folk
In between two women the only free seat
He coughs way too loud, and he wants to retreat
A short glance ’round the circle… adds to his appall:
Here are just women, I’m one man, that’s all!
He would like to go scanning, but then there’s a voice:
He is more than welcome, congrats with his choice!

Women share lust, dependency of a man
-He doesn’t dare move, now what if he ran-
They share character defects -what’s that all about?!
Gets uncomfortable and in comes big doubt

Then another one tells how she isolated herself
And that by all that lust she was all overwhelmed
But this is his story, the panic, the pain
The nagging guilt that really drove him insane

The newcomer a man, she is so grateful for it
He’s welcome to share, if he wants to explore it
He coughs and he swallows, says: Reece, sexaholic
I relate to the problem, it’s downright diabolic
The solution I’m open to -he clenches his fist-
The chairwoman hands him… a brother list
Women help women, men sponsor men
She feels there’ll be someone for him among them

Now all get up and there’s hugging all over
He stands a bit lost, wondering how to get sober
The chair woman steps up to him, offers her hand
Glad that you’re here, we welcome especially men

A meeting in summer, it’s hot, he’s alarmed
He spots some bare legs, there a shoulder, an arm
Don’t they see this is way too much for a guy
Doesn’t SA respect men, he is wondering why?!
His sponsor says: listen, this lust’s within you
You project on all women, that is my clue
Look at women as fellows, one with you, getting free
He takes it to heart, thank you sponsor, it’s me!

A recovery day, a group wanting a man…
…from another town to come sharing and then
He realizes: they see me, my group really care
He’s moved by it, and of his emotion aware

Reece takes up service, makes coffee and tea
This is his home group, here he feels he should be
And on the convention he shares E, S and H
How he now perceives women, that his attitude changed
When finally he wants to vent gratitude
Out comes a cough, and it’s well understood
He thanks all the women, and it is agreed
In that wonderful moment the unity is complete…

Ben V., Leiden, The Netherlands © 2023