I am completely powerless over pornography of all kinds on the Internet. This includes pictures and words. Something inside of me cries out against making this admission, even now. I don’t want to give up my independence. I want to believe that I can control and enjoy it. I want to believe that I can get on the Internet and not go to the wrong sites. I want to believe that I can have the Internet on my computer and not use it to go to the pornographic sites, but it is not true.

I cannot trust myself with Internet access. At any time, lust can trick me into believing that I can handle it for a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. And then I will act out again.

My recent acting out started innocently. I was listening to the radio and getting on the web (an appropriate name) to download a file I needed. The radio host mentioned a famous actress and I searched on her name. After looking at one picture, I was hooked. I gradually went down the path to look for more pictures. Then explicit pictures. I was gone.

There was not a particular trigger. I just had some extra time. Not really. I took time I did not have. I just got started and couldn’t stop. I said, “I won’t store any on my hard drive.” But, I ended up storing over 100 pictures. Then I used software to edit the pictures. I couldn’t stop. No way. I drank the pictures and fantasized heavily. Lust took me to the land of impossible dreams. Then it was masturbation, bookstores, videos, and a prostitute.

I was only able to stop the day of a meeting. I called my sponsor and another friend in the program. I went to the meeting and started over. I installed software that blocks “those” sites. I copied the access software to diskette and then deleted it from my hard drive. The diskette is in another part of the house.

So my main problem is that I sometimes still believe I can lust and get away with it. I can be tricked into thinking I can just peek at an attractive woman on TV or in a newspaper ad or on the Internet and not get burned. I can know the truth today and be tricked into falsehood in two weeks. I need to finally realize that I must work the program every day regardless of how I feel, which for me means doing five positive program things every day. It involves calling someone I know in the program every day. It involves talking to many different people around the country every week. God has me working a more rigorous program than in the past, which is helping a lot.