From the simple kit of spiritual tools — the message of the late Jesse L.

[From his pamphlet to the newcomer.]

Most of us in Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) were driven to total despair by our destructive sexual behavior. We found as soon as we came here that our lust was the problem. It was hard to believe. How could it be the problem? And, how could we live without its comfort? It didn’t make sense. But we had no choice.

Our despair made us turn to recovering sexaholics, the first people we had ever met who had been able to stop acting out. Their gut level honesty told us that. Their shining faces, free of guilt, backed it up. They had the answer we had to find.

Why can’t I lust, at least a little?

We quickly learned that we were like the alcoholic. We couldn’t take that first drink of lust, no matter how small it seemed. The first drink of lust always led to the next drink. Quickly we became drunk with lust. Then we had to act out! Nothing could stop us.

Finally we came to SA and learned it was lust that was the real source of our problems. We thought we could lust and still be able to stop acting out our destructive sexual behavior. We saw that lusting and acting out were connected. We had tried to stop acting out. But, we were already so deep into lust we couldn’t stop. We had already gone too far. We found that stopping our lust was where we had to start. If we stopped lusting, it wouldn’t be nearly as hard to stop acting out.

Lusting was like being on a toboggan run. Once we were too far down the run we couldn’t stop. The only way to be sure we could stop acting out was to go right to the start of the process, our first drink of lust. But we knew we were totally powerless over lust. It controlled our whole lives. How could we possibly stop? We had tried thousands and thousands of times.

How can I stop lusting if I am totally powerless?

That’s where some power greater than ourselves comes in. We call it our Higher Power or God, as we understand Him. Our addiction proves to us that we lack the power to stop. Then we see that we have to give up our right to lust. We accept that others may be able to handle lust. We have to admit finally that we can’t handle it.

Lust kept taking us deeper and deeper into things we promised ourselves we would never do. We said if we did those things we would finally do something to stop. But we found we were hooked and couldn’t stop. So we had to give up our right to lust just as the alcoholic gives up the right to drink. For us one drink is too many and a thousand aren’t enough. We stop fighting lust. We give up. We surrender. Only with our Higher Power’s or God’s help can we stop lusting — one day at a time.

How do I get that help?

One way is the instant we see ourselves lusting, we ask for God’s help to stop. We keep asking for that help until our obsession with lust goes away. We find that not giving lust our full attention keeps lust from turning us on internally and becoming our first drink.

It is as if the front door of our house has a glass panel. We see lust come to the door. But there is no handle on lust’s side of the door. We have to open the door to lust or it can’t come in. Lust comes to us so often and we are so vulnerable to it because we are addicted. We pray to some power greater than ourselves to help us not go to the door. As long as we pray for help, lust can’t get in. Eventually, at the end of some prayer, we look up and see lust has gone. We found we could always pray longer than our lust would last. If lust comes back quickly again as it does so much at first, we pray again. At first we need to pray a lot.

Another way is to pray for the person we are lusting for. We pray that God will bless them with all the good things we want for ourselves. We stop making them an object for our lust and start praying for them. This takes them away from our fantasy and makes them real human beings like us.

A third way is the prayer used by one of our early members: God, may I find in you what I am looking for in that other person.

We know these methods work because most sexaholics get sober using them. But there are other solutions you will find from others or be inspired to come up with on your own, as you come to have the firm desire to stop lusting and seek help from one more powerful than you.

Why is it so important to stop lusting?

From our earliest days, we thought lust was our friend. We used it as a refuge to escape from our pain. Once we start lusting we keep on lusting and then act out. We can’t stop ourselves. Our internal body chemistry is totally turned on. Our body is screaming for more of our drug.

Because we are so powerless over lust, and because our system is so sensitized to lust, we must not take that first drink. We must immediately ask for help. A simple prayer is “God, help me!” That works even if we don’t believe in God. When lust doesn’t go away right away, we go to a longer prayer like the Our Father or the Serenity Prayer.

It doesn’t matter that lust doesn’t leave right away. Lust can’t turn us on internally without our full attention. When we are praying, lust isn’t getting our full attention and turning us on so that we feel we have to act out. We aren’t building up the pressure anymore. Through the help of our honesty with our fellow sexaholics and the help of God, we can be free of lust today.

What if lust comes right back? It’s not a problem. The God of our program is everything or is nothing. We keep praying until lust is gone again. In times of serious lust attacks, we might have to pray almost unceasingly. That seems strange to us at first, but it works.

What do we do after we stop?

That’s a good question. At a deeper level we come to see that lust blocks us from life. Lust is the wall we built that kept God and others outside. That’s why we were caught in our isolation and loneliness. But that is an issue we can’t fully understand or appreciate yet. First, we have to break the endless cycle of lusting and acting out. Until that cycle is broken we are so hopelessly drunk and caught up in lust that we can’t see anything else.

First we need to get sober from lust. Then we can start picking up the pieces of our broken life and putting them back together again.

But there are some big rewards that we get right away. The first day we stop lusting we start having integrity. We become a part of the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous. We discover we don’t have to hide our dirty secret any longer. Our shame diminishes as we share with others what we really think and do. Now we can lift our heads and look the world in the eye. We have freedom from lust, something we never had before because we did not know what an enemy of life lust is.

In the first thirty days of being lust-free, we see something radical happen to many people’s faces. Some members called it the “SA shine.” You will be able to see it in the faces of your fellow sober sexaholics. It will be especially apparent when you compare their faces with the troubled faces of the newcomers who walk through the door.

After thirty days in the program, an early member was told by one of his adult children, “Dad, you’re different!” We begin to see that what we thought was such a secret about us was plainly written all over our faces for the whole world to see. That dark face was your face and mine when we were lost in lust again. We can keep praying it away. Our disease is patient, so lust keeps coming back. Our prayers can be more powerful.

Our increasing freedom from lust is that we are more ready to pray each time, and lust comes back less frequently than it did in our early days. We have to start where we are, at the beginning. We start praying away lust. You must never forget that you aren’t alone anymore. All of us in SA are with you. All of us started where you are and succeeded through the help of this program and our fellow members. You need never be alone again.