This topic really challenged me. I have heard people say that one of the things I have to do in this program is change everything about myself. Well, I have changed many things. I have walked through changes with my heart pounding, knees shaking, and feeling physically sick. I desperately clung to a belief that the promise of a Higher Power being there was true for me. And it was! Without making some fundamental changes, I would not have the recovery I have today. But there are a number of old behaviors I am still clinging to; pockets of lust I am unwilling to empty out.

Turn my entire life over to God? I don’t think so! I have some stuff I still want to run myself. The good is the enemy of the best. And is my life all that good? It is so different and so much better than it used to be. But compared to what it could be? Most times I live in denial around this, but other times I get a clear vision of what I am cheating myself and others out of. I have had brief periods where I have surrendered absolutely everything up to God, and that is an amazing, indescribable experience.

What am I afraid of? Mostly, I am afraid of how much more will be required of me. Right now my life is manageable and comfortable enough. When I have gone through changes and deeper surrender, God has required much of me. I get very uncomfortable (heaven forbid!). He has also been there, always right by my side, helping me. But right now, I don’t know that I want to go through those sorts of changes again. Even though change brings me a better life and makes me more useful to others.

Seeking comfort is my old addict thinking. I have been stuck in fear of change for some time now. I am feeling very sad about the life I am cheating myself and others out of. I usually get motivated into change by pain, by the current situation being so bad that I can’t stand it anymore. It works much better when I am motivated towards something, rather than away from something. If it is away, then as soon as I have some distance, the motivation leaves. When it is towards God, there are no limits, it just keeps getting better.

God, I am in pain today and want to move closer to you. I pray that I will want to continue to move closer and change so that I may be filled with your light and be useful in the world, not so that my self-centered needs are met.