Since my disclosure to my wife, I’ve lied to her only once. It was meant as a prank—but it was a bad idea. It really set us back because it brought up all the feelings of distrust that she had in the beginning, and it was hard for her to believe that there weren’t other lies. It was a stupid and callous thing for me to do.

Rigorous honesty is part of the foundation on which I have built my recovery. I check in with my wife every day concerning my program, my recovery, and my feelings. I do not tell her about triggers I have encountered, or any euphoric thoughts or dreams. Those are aspects of my recovery that I share with my accountability partner. However, if she asks me a question, I give her an honest answer, even if I know that the answer is not what she’s hoping for. It just can’t be any other way if I’m going to progress in my recovery. Being totally honest, even when it makes me look bad and might hurt her again, helps in several ways.

• It allows my wife to know me and not my facade.
• It deepens our relationship because I’m not holding back part of myself.
• It helps me be honest with myself.
• It reminds me that there is a lot for which I need to ask forgiveness.
• It frees me from having to remember what I said last time, if it’s always the truth.
• It proves that I am getting better.

There are also several conclusions I have come to regarding rigorous honesty:

• Honesty is required in all areas of my life, not just SA.
• If I am not honest with another, I can’t expect honesty in return.
• A relationship based on lies is a false relationship.

The addict in me does lie, to me. One of the arguments my addict uses when I am tempted to act out is that I can lie about losing my sobriety, and no one will ever know. But my true self knows that is not true. Besides, my wife can tell when I have given up my sobriety just by looking at my face. And if I should lie to the group, that would require me to lie every week, over and over, and I couldn’t pull that off even if I wanted to. I know from being with guys who have admitted lying about their sobriety to the group that it will feel worse than just admitting that I slipped in the first place. As extra insurance, when I have lost my sobriety in the past, I have always called someone in SA right away, thereby short-circuiting the temptation to lie.

I know I have been lied to in SA, and that it will happen again. I’m not offended today, I’m not surprised, and I don’t analyze what others say as to its truthfulness. I have nothing to lose by accepting their lies as truth. I am disappointed, and it hurts them, but I can’t judge them because lying was my first line of defense and my initial response my whole life. Now I choose to be trustworthy, and I trust that others are the same.