When I started my journey of recovery, I was not prepared to call myself a sexaholic. Even though my life was unmanageable, I knew I had a problem with sex, and I was attracted to men, I did not believe I was powerless over lust.

I joined the SA fellowship in May 2001. At my first meeting, as I heard people share I thought, “What a lot of sick people”—but of course I was the sickest one there, because I didn’t know I was sick. When I saw that the program involved 12 steps, I thought, “Okay, I will do one Step a week and be out of this place in 12 weeks.” But by the end of the meeting I realized that these people had the same problem I did: they were powerless over lust.

At the next week’s meeting, I was willing to identify and say, “My name is David and I’m a sexaholic.” I am still saying this more than eight years later. I’m not prepared to say I am a “recovering” sexaholic (which I am) however, because I will be a sexaholic until the day I die. At last I had found a group of people who cared, who were honest with God, and who were honest with themselves and others. I was home. The Twelve Steps became the framework on which I built my new life.

What It Was Like

I became interested in sexual things when I was eight or nine years old. I was a shy, introverted boy. I was curious about girls and soon found that by playing “doctors and nurses,” I could exploit my girl cousins and their friends. My only male cousin died when he was 11, so my acting out was with girls at this point. I would also read magazines, using the images to feed my lust. I had a stash of my favorite magazines hidden under my bed.

My father was an alcoholic and a World War One veteran who found it difficult to show his love. He would buy me expensive presents, but I needed his approval and love. I never felt that I got that. He was often quite violent and many times I would stand between him and my mother to protect her from harm. I despised him for this. My mother on the other hand was a nurturing person who tried to be both mother and father.

I was the youngest of six children. My brother was 14 years older than I was, with four sisters between us. I never really connected with him because of the age difference.

I was brought up in a Christian home and attended church regularly (which I continue to do to this day). My father also attended church, but he still drank heavily. When he died at 94, he too had changed for the better. Today, I miss him very much.

My parents owned a business. We moved around a lot as they changed the location of their business. Thus, I attended three different primary schools and was often “the new kid on the block.” I was bullied quite a lot, both at primary and high schools. My first sexual experience with another male was when I was 12 and a 14-year-old boy touched me in an inappropriate way. After that I started to compare my sexual maturity with others.

In high school, I flirted a lot with girls but never had any relationships. I still hankered after the approval of boys my own age as well as older men. I started to fantasize and masturbate on a regular basis—to comfort myself, hide my loneliness, hide the feeling of being inadequate, and help me to go to sleep at night.

During this time I went to the beach with my parents. In the changing room I saw a man about 40 years old standing naked. He talked to me while I was getting changed. I would recall that image and masturbate, night after night.

When I was 17, I made a profession of faith and thought that now I would be free from this problem of masturbation. I did feel free from the obsession for various periods of time, but when I started again it would be much worse than before. I was on a downward spiral.

When I was 22, I married a lovely Christian girl to whom I am still married 45 years later (only because she remained faithful to me). I thought, “I can have all the sex I want, when I want it, and I will be able to stop masturbating.” But I started back up again.

By the time I was 27, I had crossed a line that I said I would never cross: I acted out with a man in a public toilet. I felt dirty, physically weak, and condemned. I swore that I would not do it again. I even tried to bargain with God as I understood Him. I said, “God, help me to stop this and I will serve You faithfully forever.” I white-knuckled it for a time. Then, when I was 30, my mother died, and I was back to the old behavior.

There were years when I felt free of my obsessive behavior, but each time I went back to my drug I would cross another line that I had convinced myself I wouldn’t. In the end I was going to saunas and acting out, going to nude beaches, acting out in public toilets, and acting out while watching pornographic films in adult shops. I even paid for sex with men. I would act out on the way to work, during my lunch break, and after work. My whole thinking process was: “Where will I get my next fix?” All the while I wanted to stop, but the more I tried, the worse it became. The more I fought the lust, the more it fought back. Lust was my friend (so I thought) because it numbed the hurt and pain inside. But in reality, it was my enemy.

At 50 years old I had my first heart attack. I thought, “Now is the time to stop.” But I was unable to stop. It would be another nine years before I had another rude awakening. I was taken to a hospital with severe angina and was struggling to breathe after a morphine injection. I prayed to my Higher Power to give me the opportunity to put some things right. God answered my prayer and I decided to seek help. That is how I found Sexaholics Anonymous.

What It Is Like Now

As I started working the program, I realized that I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt. I began working the Steps from memory, but when I started Step Three, I got a sponsor. My sponsor was ever so patient with me, teaching me to be honest with myself, with God, and with others. He stressed the importance of working the Steps. “No pain, no gain,” he would say.

My breakthrough came while I was working Step Three: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” My problem was that I had to rethink what I understood about God. My theology taught me that God was a loving God, but I thought of Him as a harsh schoolmaster in the sky who would punish me if I did wrong. My natural father was a disciplinarian, and my concept of God was influenced by my natural father’s actions. But as I worked Step Three, I knew that I needed to make this decision. I was ready to trust God as a loving Father.

One night I knelt down in my home while my wife and the children were asleep and asked the God of my understanding to take me by the hand, lead me wherever He wanted me to go, and be a father to me. I fully surrendered my will and my life to Him that night.

It seems a contradiction that by surrendering my will to another I would get freedom, but that is how it worked for me. I no longer have to make the decisions. I just surrender them to my Higher Power. I just ask myself, “Is this the will of my Higher Power or is this a lust-based decision?” This prayer helps me stay sober one moment at a time.

As I progressed through the program and started my Fourth Step inventory, I realized that I was two people. On the inside, I was a hopeless lustaholic; on the outside I was a well-respected pillar of the church. But as I shared my Step Four with my sponsor, I began bringing the inside out.

When I came to SA, I had one secret that I never intended to tell anyone: I had experimented with bestiality as a teenager. However, I shared this secret with my sponsor as part of my Step Four inventory. Some time later, I was able to share it at a meeting. I had known that I needed to bring my secret out into the light, and when I did, I began to feel really free.

Bit by bit, I have surrendered my character defects and become closer to the person God intended me to be. Now what others see is who I am, warts and all. Before, I was just a caricature of the person He wanted me to be, but now the inside matches the outside. I am no longer the violent and angry lustaholic I once was.

Working the Steps has brought about healing for me, but only by working the program on a day-to-day basis will I remain sober. To stay sober, I need the whole program, including sponsoring others, participating in meetings, going to conferences, and working the Steps as best I know how.

Most of the men I sponsor have same-sex issues. I encourage all of them to write out their stories. Sometimes when I hear one of these stories, something comes to my memory that I had forgotten, and I write my own Fourth Step inventory on that. This is just one of the ways that working with others enhances my own recovery.

I live in Tasmania, a small island state off the coast of Australia. We have only three SA members here who are geographically separated, so we seldom meet face to face. We have regular phone meetings, however, and I contact other SA members by phone or email. For more fellowship, I regularly attend conferences on the mainland.

At conferences, I find a concentrated focus on fellowship, working the program, and listening to others share. I learn how others work the Steps, and hear how others are being set free from their addiction. To be able to listen to so many others share is a privilege for me, and is critical if I am to remain sober.

I also do a lot of reading. I have read and re-read Sexaholics Anonymous and Step into Action, as well as other program materials such as Best of Essay and Practical Recovery Tools 1994-2003. I have learned a lot from these materials.

Alcoholics Anonymous (83) promises us that: “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness . . .”

Today, as a result of this program, I am amazed by the serenity, joy, and peace I feel. I have many new friends in SA. I am able to have healthy relationships with men; I feel on equal terms with them. I can “look the world in the eye, and stand free” (SA 205).

Today, when I see men in the street, I see them as people. I don’t sexualize them. But I had to admit to my own defects before I could surrender them to my Higher Power and ask Him to remove them. I had to be honest with myself first, then honest with my Higher Power and with others. I do all of this moment by moment, one day at a time, dependent on God’s grace for each sober moment.

I began life thinking that lust was my friend and God was my enemy. Now I know that lust is my enemy and God is my friend. I now have healing in the emotional, spiritual, and physical areas of my life.

I woke up one morning with a feeling of indescribable joy. I had forgotten what it was like to experience the emotion of joy and happiness. This was a real spiritual experience—one I will never forget! I felt that my Higher Power was saying “This is what life is and can be.”

Because of what this program has done for me, I live to share my story with others. I found a new life, because someone carried the message to me. I want to carry the message so other sexaholics can experience the same release from sexaholism that I have experienced.

Today, I am grateful for my eight and a half years of sobriety, thanks to God’s grace and the amazing SA program of recovery.