A few years ago I decided that I would not call myself sober if I engaged in “lust-driven use of the Internet.” My particular disease has not (so far) included prostitutes, affairs, or even masturbation, but I recognized that, at least for me, the act of clicking that suspect link is a “drink” that triggers my own disease and insanity. For years I had justified all kinds of insane (and sometimes illegal) behavior because it did not happen to fall under the caption “sex” in my mind. But how is searching the Internet for women in various stages of undress not sex outside of marriage?

As I click on the images, I might rationalize that I am not, after all, looking for sex. However, the truth of my addiction to lust eventually comes out and I have to admit that it really does not matter what, specifically, I may or may not be looking for. For me, lust is manifested whenever I seek fulfillment or relief from pain anywhere but in God.

At first, I was unable to share my shameful behavior with anyone or even look at it myself. But as I opened up more in meetings, with my sponsor, and in my journal writing, I became more aware of the actions and attitudes that led to those Internet “drinks.” I became more aware of the parade of images dancing through my head and the choices I made each day to “click” on one of those links or images whenever my willingness to work the program was weakened.

As I began to lose the shame and isolation that kept me from sharing about those images, I was helped. I realized that I have little, if any, control of the things that pop into my head, but I can learn new attitudes about them. I can choose to immediately surrender them to God and the Fellowship rather than obsess on them in isolation.

As I find the willingness to surrender even the grossest and most disturbing of those images or ideas (something I am careful to do explicitly only with my sponsor or my therapist), I can sometimes experience long periods of relief even from the lust that pops in uninvited. I have been amazed at the freedom I experience when they are gone. At least for today, I can indeed be thankful to God, and to you the Fellowship, for one more day of sobriety.