Even though I have almost nine years of sobriety and a lot of service work behind me, I know that I can still be deceived by lust. For me, the crux of the program is still, fundamentally, surrendering lust in all areas. As my former sponsor used to say, “You’re a smart guy, and despite this you can stay sober.”

Self-awareness comes slowly at times. Recently, I knowingly watched part of a movie that contains nudity (changing the channel at the really explicit parts). I thought I could “manage” a little lust. Afterwards I called my sponsor, admitting my powerlessness over lust. He suggested that I look at any emotions that might have led to this slippery behavior. I realized I had been harboring resentment toward another program member. I had stopped speaking to him.

We had been close friends, I thought. When I was new in the program, he helped me, answering a lot of my questions. When he came to my city, we would go to meetings together and share meals. I was happy to be his friend. The last time he came to my town, I was excited to see him again—but it wasn’t the same. He seemed distant, and seemed to be withdrawing from the relationship. I was hurt and felt resentment start to grow.

My wife says that my neediness can drain other people, like squeezing an orange until it’s dry. What was it that I needed from him? Slowly, I began to realize that the fault was mine: I was taking from him, when I ought to have been giving. I worked the Steps on this situation and made an amends to him for my false expectations. But even after working the Steps, the resentment lingered and I continued to keep my distance.

It has taken some time for me to see my part. I eventually realized that my self-righteous thinking and emotional sickness often get me in trouble. I become too needy in friendships; I cling too tightly. I need to be able to support a friend on his journey, whether or not he is part of my journey. More important, I need to rely on God and not on people to meet my needs, and to concentrate more on being of service to others rather than worrying about their behavior toward me.

Last night I made a complete surrender and gave my hurt feelings and resentments to God. I asked Him to teach me how to have healthy relationships. I need to focus on Step Eleven, and pray “that I may seek to love rather than be loved” (12&12 99). I can then begin to realize the blessings of being other-centered and the freedom of letting go of outcomes.

When I’m emotionally sober, I am able to get what I need from my Higher Power, and am deaf to external events with their siren call of excitement and rush of ego satisfaction. These emotions always leave me wanting more, even when there is no more to be had. However, if I leave my neediness in God’s hands and look for those I can help, then I am restored to sanity and shielded from lust. Today I pray to be an instrument of the Higher Love, who shows me how to love without demands.