SA/S-Anon International Convention, January 13 – 15, 2012

When I first arrived at the Newark Convention in January, I was uncomfortable. I’m used to being the planner of events, the director of the play, but here I was just another attendee. I was out of my element. In my addiction, I was boisterous, always surrounded by people (not necessarily friends). I never felt shy walking into a room full of strangers. I was always full of ego and dying for attention.

And now suddenly I was in a place I’d never been, with people I’d never met, and I didn’t have the false ego of my addiction to cover for me anymore. I felt quiet and shy, asking for directions. I had planned to meet a few people I knew there, but I flew by myself, had a room by myself, and spent more time with myself than I had in a very long time. It was ironic that at the “Liberty from Self” convention, I was learning a great deal about “connecting” with myself. I practiced being alone, but not lonely. I spent quiet nights in my room meditating and reading. Apparently, even I can meditate. I always thought I had to be a religious guru or Tibetan monk to meditate. But thanks to some wise words I heard at one of the meetings, I’ve learned that’s not the case.

On the other hand, I was “out of self” more than I had been in a long time. I had to practice getting out of my comfort zone, really reaching out and meeting new people. I listened to the stories of people who have many years of recovery, and gathered as many tidbits as my brain would hold. I was meeting other convention “first timers,” and we helped each other follow the agenda and get to the various meetings and fellowships. I practiced praying for others. One afternoon, I ventured into Manhattan all by myself and spent almost an hour at the 9/11 Memorial, just feeling the magnitude of the event and crying for the families affected by the heinous act of terrorism. I was humbled deeply and said a prayer of gratitude for my life and my family.

I already knew this disease didn’t discriminate but was surprised to find that about one-third of the attendees were Orthodox Jews. I had lunch with one of the Orthodox women at a kosher restaurant in Manhattan, and I learned a bit about her beliefs. It was such a joy to learn about a whole different way of life that I otherwise would never have known about. A Rabbi shared his story at the Saturday night dinner. It was a powerful story, filled with emotion. I was also very fortunate to meet and have dinner one night with the Trustees. This was a wonderful, unexpected benefit. It was as if God knew I was nervous, and He provided a way for me to feel more comfortable and close to Him.

We prayed before meals, something I’ve never done as a child or an adult. I’ve carried this into my life at home now, making it a regular habit. It may seem like a small thing, but gratitude is a very freeing emotion for me. I get to let go of resentments, anger, and fear—even if just for a few moments—when I practice gratitude.

One of my favorite parts of the convention was meeting members from the various phone meetings I attend. I participate in at least three phone meetings each week, and to finally meet these people in person was incredible! Even though we had never met before, we knew each other. We knew of each other’s recent struggles, and shared a bond just like with the bond I have with people in my face-to-face meetings.

After dinner on Saturday night, I talked with one of the women until one o’clock in the morning! The hotel staff had to kick us out of the dining room; we could have stayed all night! My friend gave me her phone number, and she shared some valuable tools that she’s learned over the years. She taught me a “feelings” game. Beginning with the letter A, we take turns naming one of our feelings that starts with each letter, and try to identify the cause of the feeling. Now, we text once or twice a week, going through the whole alphabet together. This has helped me learn how to identify and deal with my feelings.

I now have a fellowship that spans the entire world. Because of SA, I’m building real relationships and friendships with men and women. This is an unexpected miracle! I’ve always struggled with having close friendships, especially with other women. But in Newark, I put myself out there—vulnerable, raw, and immature in my recovery—and guess what? I survived. I’m so much better for having been there. I can’t wait for the next International Convention I can attend. There’s something wonderful about being in a place with over 700 other SA embers. I really am not alone.