When I came back to SA in 2010, I think I was spiritually dead. The White Book’s description of spiritual death described me exactly. Although religious, I was deeply depressed and isolated. I had just crashed my way out of yet another career and yet another marriage. I was ready to die. I had survived a suicide attempt. Meditation only opened me up to more darkness. Therapy brought some understanding, but no relief.

I had already experienced SA—in fact, it was through SA that I had been miraculously relieved, 20 years earlier, of my obsession with cross-dressing and masturbation. But now I was in a stable relationship. On the surface, everything looked fine. I had a wife, another successful career, a retirement home, and financial security. But I still wanted to die.

And then out of the blue, my old obsession with cross-dressing and masturbation returned, and it was worse than ever. To cap it all I was in a fantasy affair with a co-worker and justifying it, thinking, “What’s wrong with a little flirtation? We’re all Latins here aren’t we? Isn’t this what we Latins do?” The same old same old was back again.

I called my old chums in the fellowship (even though I had stopped going to meetings, I never lost contact with them completely). Now, living in Romania 2,000 miles away from the nearest English-speaking meeting, I booked myself into the annual SA UK Convention in Pantasaph, North Wales in January 2010. Once there, I was immediately given a sponsor (previously I had always chosen one myself), and I got down to following his directions as I began working the Steps for the nth time. Also, here in Europe we have frequent two-day intensive Twelve Step workshops, and I attended as many of those as I could.

I now understand that in doing all of this, I was finally completing my Step Zero—for the first time! As the White Book defines Step Zero, “We participated in the fellowship of the program” (SA 63), I was finally joining the SA fellowship. Although I had worked the Steps many times, I had never really joined the fellowship.

Before, in my desperation to live life to the fullest (recovery is supposed to be a “bridge to normal living”—right?), I had been so busy with the so-called “successes” that I cherished—money, power, marriages, influence, and public recognition—that there was simply no time or space for God in my life.

This time, as I worked the Steps, my sponsor encouraged me to leave my whole former addictive lifestyle behind. This meant my job as well as all of the trappings of success. I willingly walked away from it all, and I have gone through the dark night of withdrawal. As I did so—as the Steps themselves promise—I am being blessed daily with a spiritual awakening: the progressive ongoing healing that is ours when we really work this program and make carrying our message of recovery to the still suffering sexaholic our primary purpose.

As long as I remained attached to the externals in life—the so-called trappings of worldly success—the promised spiritual awakening eluded me. Today I have let those externals all go (although I can still take them all up again at any time and am frequently tempted to do just that). I am blessed with an inner life and a spiritual awakening that even at this early stage is already beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you to my dear fellow SAs, and above all to my Higher Power for never giving up on me!