As hard it was to admit that I am an addict, it was equally hard to admit that I am insane. However, based on Google’s second definition of insanity—“extreme foolishness or irrationality”—I clearly am. Everything about my addiction has been foolish or irrational.

To think that I could continue to lust as much as I wanted to without masturbating (and without it affecting my relationships or my outlook on life) is foolish and irrational. To think I can live inside my head, fantasizing about sexual relationships without it affecting my schoolwork, my occupation, or my relationships with people around me is foolish and irrational.

This addiction obviously has a physical aspect, but the mental aspect has been more damaging to me. At 28, I’ve had to start retraining my mind to be able to concentrate on one subject without the buzz and noise from my addiction. As I work to put this addiction in its place, the constant noise slows down and becomes a minor irritant instead of a mind-boggling gong that shakes me out of any concentration. I would classify myself with the person described in Step into Action: One, Two, Three: “Still others believed in God and participated in a faith community, but continued to struggle in the addiction’s stranglehold” (60).

Because of my participation in my faith community, my own insanity resulted in a lot of guilt throughout my life. I experienced a lot of confusion and misunderstanding of my God. I had many questions, such as: “Why can’t I be delivered from this struggle?” “Why did I fall into this addiction if sexual desires were natural and were created by God?” “Why can’t I pray my way through times that I wanted to act out?” “Why did He allow some of the sexual things to happen to me at such a young age?” and many more.

After attending many meetings, working through Step One, and observing men who had gone before me and remained sober, I realize that there is a solution and that it is God. After completing Step One and admitting I’m an addict and thus insane, the following line from the White Book really hit home: “There’s no place left to go except to face the truth about ourselves, stop resorting to other addictions and forms of lust we think we can get away with, and surrender to our God” (SA 92).

I still find myself thinking that I can get away with certain lusts—only to find myself trying once more to control my addiction. A glance here and there, a website or two that are not officially porn, and pretty soon I’m in that uncontrolled downward spiral. Since I started with SA, I’ve found myself in a couple of these downward spirals. These experiences have reminded my stubborn self that I can’t overcome this addiction under my own power. If I don’t surrender to God and the program, I’m right back where I was—a slave to my addiction. As I’ve learned from the words from Step Two: “We saw that we could not save ourselves. If we were to escape our bondage, we needed more power than we alone possessed” (SIA 60).

I’ve been thinking about the Serenity Prayer a lot lately. I don’t know why God has allowed tragedies to happen or addictions to form in my life, but I find peace and strength in knowing a God Who wants me to be sober and Who gives me the strength that I need to overcome lust.