I’ve been sober in SA for seven years now, and today I’m grateful to be a sexaholic. Because of SA, I have a life worth living, tools to help me live that life, and the ability to help others live a life worth living by working the Twelve Steps. But it wasn’t always this way; I had a lot of resistance at first. So I decided to write a few things about my early resistance to working this program of recovery, in case my experience might benefit others.

Following are examples of lying to myself that I still must watch out for. If I notice that I’m straying into any of these lies, I try to connect with others and God—because I’m headed for disaster if I continue.

1. Recovery is boring. Addiction is about instant gratification. Recovery is about taking it easy, slowing down, and serenity. For the longest time I thought recovery was boring. Now I see that recovery is anything but boring because now I can live a life worth living. Since working the Steps with a sponsor, and helping others work them, I can live a life of serenity no matter what’s going on externally.

2. Recovery is too difficult. But the addiction was also difficult. It took lots of time and energy to act out. My mind was constantly focused on a certain place to act out, or where to click on images, trying to find that “perfect” image, which always seemed to elude me. It’s difficult to go through all that chaos and uncertainty.

3. I just need to remember how bad it was. At first I thought that if I could only remember how bad I felt the last time I acted out, that would make me stop. But when temptation struck, I would forget the bad feelings and go right back to acting out. The Big Book talks about our strange mental blank spots, and how one cannot remember the suffering or humiliation of a week or a month ago (AA 24).

4. I can handle this; it’s not that bad. I thought I could figure out some way to quit my addiction. I didn’t need the help of others. But that thinking almost caused me to commit suicide—until I heard in my head the words we say at the closing of each meeting: “It works if you work it.” It was then that I realized I had not really been working it. That was my first step toward being honest with myself.

5. I can beat this addiction. I was able to quit smoking, drinking, and using drugs. I was able to lose weight and start exercising. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not apply the same willpower to my sex addiction. I had to finally admit that I’m powerless over lust.

6. One meeting a week is plenty. I thought that I could attend just one meeting a week and then go about my life as usual. But eventually I realized that I had a full-time addiction and that I must counter with full-time recovery—like going to many meetings, staying in contact with others, and working the Steps.

7. I can rely on my willpower. I would think, “If I only had enough willpower,” or “I’ll try harder next time.” The problem was that I always said these things after acting out. The Big Book talks about losing the power of choice (AA 24). I have no power of choice in lust. I could not control or enjoy lust; lust controlled me.

8. Church will fix me. I got involved in church, thinking that would stop me, and for a time it did—but I always returned when the urge hit me. Then I would try harder to practice my religious activities, but the result was always the same—mainly because I was asking God to take my addiction away, but I was not ready to give it up (see SA 20).

9. I don’t need to work the Steps. For the longest time, I didn’t work the Steps with a sponsor. I told myself that I didn’t need the Steps—but really I was afraid to work them.

10. I just need to stay busy. I would think, “If I only stay busy, then I won’t act out.” I tried this numerous times, but inevitably there were times when I felt bored or I felt entitled to act out, and so I would.

11. I love my wife. I thought I loved my wife enough to quit on my own. I thought that the fact I married her meant I loved her. But the truth is that I got married under the influence of lust. I made decisions based on lust and not on love. I wanted to be seen as being in love with my wife while I was still practicing my addiction. But I need to be sober in order to truly love her.

12. At least I’m not doing “that” anymore. I would think that at least I wasn’t as bad as I used to be—but the fact was that I still hated myself. Today I don’t hate myself because I’m free of the obsession and the acting out, thanks to SA.

These are just a few of the lies that I once told myself. In order to be truly sober, I had to get honest with myself and admit that I’m a sexaholic. I needed to make a 100% commitment to the program, get a sponsor, and work the Twelve Steps with that sponsor.

Today I’m grateful to be a sexaholic. When I first heard someone say that in a meeting, I thought he was crazy. But today I know that I remain a crazy sexaholic, restored to sanity one day at a time.