January 23-25, 2015, Awakening the Spirit, Portland, OR

In May 2014, while out of the country on a business trip with my husband, I met a man who disclosed to me that he was a sexaholic. I told him that I thought I might also be a sexaholic, but I was shocked by the sobriety definition. I asked him, “You will never masturbate again?!” I was astounded. I didn’t think that was possible. He told me about his Higher Power, and that there is hope.

When I returned home, I continued to talk to him briefly. I was in despair. I wanted to die—so I wanted to figure out how to have his Higher Power. Even though I love my husband and my two daughters, I could not find happiness even in them.

So this man (who I was talking with via the Internet, with my husband’s permission!) eventually suggested that I look at the SA website. At the time I didn’t understand my motives, but honestly, I think I wanted him (a professed sexaholic!) to lust after me. My Higher Power was working with what He had—He was working with my lust to bring me to SA.

So I visited the SA website, answered yes to 19 out of the 20 questions, and made the phone call—and I attended my first meeting a few weeks later, on June 7th, 2014. Both men and women attended that meeting, and I could not believe that people shared things that were going on in my head. They shared these things out loud and they shared without shame.

My husband knew from the beginning that I was attending SA. Two weeks before coming to SA, I had discussed a possible separation with him—but after my first meeting I felt better. I realized that I really do love my husband, and that it was my sickness that caused me to believe I was unhappy. I didn’t understand why, but I suddenly felt that there was hope for our marriage and our family. After that first meeting, I felt like I belonged. I was home.

When I first heard about the Portland International Convention, I was surprised to find that my sponsor would be going, as well as my grand-sponsor and my sister-sponsee—and I wanted to be a part of this. They suggested that I bring my husband (he joined S-Anon the same week I joined SA). They said that this would not only be an excellent opportunity for powerful recovery for me, but also for my husband, because he would be able to meet other S-Anon men there. They said it would be a great recovery experience for our relationship. I was excited and terrified to go, but I wanted to take positive action in my life, so I registered, and I was excited that husband and I could go together.

After registering, however, I was mainly terrified. I was full of shame and worried that people would know that I am the addict in our marriage. At some level, I believed that the woman is not supposed to be the addict. Intellectually, I knew I would be surrounded by others just like me, but somehow I felt different. I was terrified when I was packing, terrified when I was getting on the airplane, terrified when I got to the hotel, and terrified when it was time to register.

So I ended up missing some meetings the first night of the convention. I wanted to leave my husband there and fly home, and I was planning (in my head) what I could say to him to get him to stay. Of course I wanted him to stay, because it was an excellent opportunity for him to connect with S-Anon men.

I missed the first meeting as I lay paralyzed in fear in bed. The only reason I made it to the second meeting was that my sponsor and sister-sponsee came to my room to see how I was doing. This is not typical of their behavior—but I had been speaking to my Higher Power, asking for Him to send someone to come help me, and there they were.

Still, when they knocked on the door, I didn’t answer right away. When I finally opened the door, they were already halfway down the hall, but they came back. They could tell I’d been crying. They helped me get my shoes on. And off we went to a meeting. In the meeting, I didn’t look at anyone, and I couldn’t hear a word that anyone said. I believe I was in shock. I felt like I was under water.

After the meeting my sponsor took me to register, but I couldn’t look at her or anyone else. I remember her asking me, “Jesica, what do you need to do to feel better?” I was pouting like a baby, and was resentful to her for asking that. I didn’t want to be resentful but I couldn’t stop. So I responded, “Ask God to give me a changed attitude.” Then I stormed off to my room, got on my knees, and prayed out loud to God. I didn’t feel better immediately, but slowly I was able to start doing the next right thing, and I was able to get my body to dinner. After that things got better.

After dinner on Friday night I had the amazing opportunity to give away my Step One. I had over three months of sobriety, but I’ve been in the program for eight months and have worked very hard at doing a thorough Step One. And that night I became a part of something outside of myself—a part of something that wasn’t about me. I was able to trust my Higher Power, I was able to clean house, and I was able to help others. I felt serenity right after giving that Step away; the power was lessened as my secrets were no longer secrets.

The next two days were quite different. I was able to embrace and enjoy the rest of the convention. I was better able to embrace my identity as a sexaholic. Listening to others share in the meetings was amazing because I found that every sexaholic thinks just like me! I was no longer unique. When my character defects popped up and I became judgmental or resentful, I could always find someone to talk to immediately, and I was able to release the negativity quickly.

What a blessing it was to meet people I had listened to on CDs, who have been helping keep me sober, and what a blessing to meet people who have decades of sobriety. These people give me hope that I can also have recovery and that my husband and I can have a beautiful marriage in recovery. Now when I pick up the phone to call someone, it doesn’t weigh 500 pounds anymore. I have many new women in my life who will be there at the other end. And I feel a part of the fellowship as I never have before. I will eagerly be looking forward to the convention in Chicago.

Thank you SA!