I’ve been sober in SA for four and one-half years, and I believe that my sobriety can be attributed in no small part to sponsorship. The SA program continues to bless me with valuable lessons from the process of both having a sponsor and being a sponsor, and I’m grateful to my Higher Power for putting my sponsees in my life.

Through experiences I’ve had lately, as both a sponsor and sponsee, I’ve thought of some new ways to frame my role as a sponsor. I’ll call this “The Three C’s of sponsorship”: being compassionate, consistent, and concise.

1. Being compassionate. The compassion I experienced at my first meeting was probably what kept me coming back to share with this group of “weird guys” when I joined SA in Nashville almost five years ago. My sponsor’s compassion has comforted me on countless occasions. When he says to me, “That sounds like me,” or “I know what that’s like,” it reminds me that just because I experience powerlessness over my defects several times a day, I’m not alone. And since he’s ahead of me in sobriety, I must not have to act out over those defects either! All this has taught me that, despite my natural desire to lecture or moralize at times, I can strive to lead with compassion when I’m working with sponsees.

2. Being consistent. Since coming into SA, I’ve often said to myself that the program doesn’t really change, so I guess I’ll have to change. As a sponsor, I think it’s my role to try to represent that consistency with my recovery and my sobriety. I cannot adjust the message of the program when my sponsees are encountering stormy emotions and experiences.

I’m aware that I sometimes sound like a broken record, but paradoxically I think this is what is often called for. For example, when a sponsee is complaining about his spouse and asking my advice, I can empathize, but also comment on what a challenge it is to keep the focus on one’s self in one’s own recovery. Or as my sponsor has taught me to say, very gently, “Remind me where we left off in the Steps?”

The balance I still find challenging is getting the right mix of compassion and consistency. Early in recovery, I remember self-censoring what I told my sponsor in order to “get away with” the self-will in my heart. It’s taken me a while to learn that Step Three means I am able to take direction even when I was hoping for different directions.

So if I didn’t do early recovery perfectly, I don’t think it makes sense for me to give out “tough love” to my sponsees. I can be consistent and still be kind. This doesn’t always come naturally to me, since I sometimes like to glorify the image of the no-nonsense sponsor, dishing out tough love left and right to sponsees. But that hasn’t been my experience with my current sponsor, so it doesn’t really feel right for me.

3. Being concise. It’s not that I’ve learned to have only brief conversations with my sponsees, but it’s important for me to stick to my own experience, while also honoring my boundaries. When I find my end of a conversation with a sponsee running long, I ask myself if I’m getting into sermonizing or giving advice beyond what’s been asked for. I think most of my sharing and suggestions should be based on my own experience, and this can help me keep my end more concise.

I also sometimes find a conversation running long with a sponsee because, for some reason, we are going in circles. I’ve spent enough time in my active addiction going in circles (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results), so with an appropriate dose of compassion, I want to avoid these pitfalls.

A circular conversation might occur because we’re getting into a disagreement over a suggestion I’ve made. I think it’s good for me to practice patience and explain my reasoning if challenged, but I also have to know how to say, “I’m not sure we’re understanding each other. Why don’t we both reflect on this and talk again tomorrow?”

Those wonderful words, “One day at a time,” remind me that, as a sponsor or sponsee, I don’t have to figure it all out today.