Attitude is a word I thought I understood when I first arrived at Sexaholics Anonymous, but really I did not understand it at all. A new heart was something that I thought I did not need when I arrived at SA, but I was wrong. I had to keep an open mind and be willing to do the work (the Twelve Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous) in order to have that change of heart and attitude. I could not explain the change as it was happening. Only by looking back can I say, “Oh yes that is what you meant by change of heart and attitude.” I also know there is still more room for me to grow in this area.

Today I realize that a new heart and a change of attitude were at the very core of my recovery. Alcoholics Anonymous says that an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial is the only thing that can defeat me (AA 568). Sexaholics Anonymous says, “Lust [is] an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires” (SA 40). That means that I am powerless over an attitude. Wow. Why can’t I just be addicted to porn or masturbation or prostitutes or chat rooms, or some other form of acting out? But being powerless over an attitude – how do I “put the plug in the jug” of an attitude?

“I” is an attitude demanding something. Prior to recovery, I would wake up with a demanding disposition, and things just got worse. Sometimes my attitude looked like self-centered self-preservation, and other times it looked like self-pity. Either way it was based on my old ideas that life was not fair, people were out to get me, and I had to protect what was mine above all else. I thought that the only pleasure I could get out of life was self-generated. “Demanding” was the default setting of my perspective on life.

The absolute miracle for me today is that I no longer have to live in the old attitudes that drove me to destruction. By working the SA Twelve Step program, I have been given a new operating system in life. As a result, the old forms of acting out that drove me to Sexaholics Anonymous have little appeal today. I see that my past behaviors were false solutions. I realize that acting out was not my core problem, my core problem was me. I had a heart of stone and a personality full of self-centered attitudes.

The White Book tells me there is no such thing as surrender in the abstract. I thought attitudes were abstract so how could I surrender an attitude? The White Book also tells me that an attitude is a “spiritual action,” and I have come to believe that is true.

Today I try to start my day by taking spiritual action. I intentionally give and receive love (proper use of the will), which is the essence of my Higher Power and of my “new” heart. I do the “Whatever” prayer: “God, whatever you have in store for me today, I’m all in.” And I do the “What Can I Do?” prayer: “God, what can I do to be of service to others today?”

Today I am constantly in the process of surrendering harmful attitudes and anticipating my Higher Power’s better ideal for me. And one other new attitude: I never surrender anything without faithfully relying on something better heading my way from Higher Power.