The first characteristic that makes face-to-face meetings attractive for me is openness and honesty. During the meetings there is an “evil monkey” inside my head, constantly whispering to me, telling me how different I should be to the person that I am, whom I should compare myself to, and what other people think of me. But I am not the person the monkey describes. I discovered in recovery that that whispering monkey never tells the truth; it is not trying to help me, but rather to confuse me, to drive me back into isolation, to take me away from the fellowship.

During my time in recovery, I have had to face a number of difficult and painful situations—divorce from my wife, challenges at work, constantly obsessing about finding a new relationship, problems relating with my son, paying my bills, etc. Rarely do these problems have quick solutions; sometimes there is no solution at all, and I have to live day after day with painful thoughts and feelings.

This is when the “monkey” is most active, telling me I don’t need to share what is going on for me in the here and now: “Don’t tell them what is going on for you! What you have to say is too embarrassing. No one will understand anyway. Don’t even think of mentioning what is on your mind right now. What will the women in your group think of you? Smooth over the problems as you share. It’ll be okay. Sure, be honest, but not completely honest, otherwise everyone will think you’re a needy and weak person. Yes, the program encourages you to talk about the Solution, but you don’t have a solution so keep your mouth shut – otherwise people will think you are making no progress in your recovery.”

There is a technique in propaganda journalism: in order to impose an opinion on the reader or listener, some well-known truth is taken as a basis and a lie is added to it. The lie is the main message that has to get out there. The technique works so well that those on the receiving end don’t have the least doubt about it. The same methods are used by the “monkey” in my head.

When I started sharing honestly about myself at meetings, a miracle happened—God did for me what I could not do for myself: suddenly, intuitively, I found the Solution and the strength I had been looking for; people supported me and as I heard other similar shares, I supported them. But more than anything, I felt such a sense of peace, such comfort and strength in being able to accept life’s challenges; to live with them because, in many cases, there is no quick solution to them.

The words of the Third Step prayer, which I pray daily now, assure me that I will experience difficulties in life. But I understand that, in order to bear witness to God’s transforming power, I must be open and honest as I share at meetings, otherwise people will think I have always been this happy, joyous and free—which I have not! Bearing witness openly and honestly inspires others, gives them the strength they need to keep trudging the road. This is how God makes me useful to others.

A second characteristic I like in strong, attractive SA meetings is humor and laughter. Humor unites us; it banishes pain and loneliness as we laugh at the humorous aspects in various stories. The laughter is not offensive, or sarcastic, the kind that belittles a person; rather, it is kind and warm and encouraging, a reassuring gift from God.

The third characteristic is fellowship outside of meetings—the collective, informal activities of our group. Simple things like friendship after meetings, picnics together, walks to cafes, entertainment, quizzes, games, etc. Our group does lots of fellowship activity. I can say for myself that I have never experienced such a feeling of belonging, unity of love, and joy anywhere else.

After my divorce however, I got fully involved in our group activities and quickly came to realize just how much I had been depriving myself of for so long. I really enjoy participating today, especially as the activities make so many other people happy. For me, the greatest dividend of shared participation, of fellowship is the realization now that the people in the room with me are no longer just colleagues of the Problem, but Friends with a capital letter, teammates in the Solution, sitting right next to me.

We organize these activities by passing around a second “hat” at our meetings—the first “hat” is the collection for our regular running needs; but this second is for our holiday fund, where we raise money for “outside” events. When a “round” sum is collected, we decide at a business meeting what to do, where we will go, and appoint members to organize it.

To conclude, I would like to emphasize that face-to-face meetings are a huge force for good that bring blessings of happiness, of team-spirit, joy and fellowship.