Bruce A., a grateful recovering sexaholic, sober since January 2019. I am thankful for the SA fellowship with our Bottom Line definition of sexual sobriety. For me, part of my daily working the Steps is reminding myself I am powerless over lust in all its forms. I admit that any lust drink can plunge me into the pit of my life being unmanageable. In my morning meditation, I surrender lust and my day, just today, to God for his care of me. Thy will, not my will.

What helps me a great deal is getting outside my own head by drinking in the pure water from the wealth of SA literature and podcasts. Others who have found freedom from this addiction have given back, and I am the benefactor. So part of my morning reading is an article or two from the SA Essay newsletter. When I read their stories I know I am home. I am walking with other travelers on the “Road of Happy Destiny.”

Today I read: “I now know that it was because I still wanted to play with lust, and not have to suffer the consequences. I wanted to be free from lust’s power and still depend on my own power to win the battle. I wanted God’s help and still wanted to avoid turning my will and life over to Him. I still wanted to play with lust, and not have to suffer the consequences, wanted to be rid of the habit, and still be able to keep the rest of my life running on my terms. “If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don’t really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life.” (SA 143) Immersing myself in the literature, going to meetings, and working the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to do them was the key to beginning to have hope for freedom. And that hope has been realized. Today, God gives me freedom from lust and the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction! It is true. It will happen. But it comes at a price, a price I now wonder why I ever questioned if it was worth paying.” (Essay-2018-02)

This writer described my addiction perfectly. I wanted to give lust up, but could not. I was double-minded. Picture two oxen tethered with the same wooden yoke around their neck and shoulders pulling a full and heavy cart. Each was stubborn and pulled in separate directions every day. I was weak, tired, drained, hopeless, procrastinating, angry, resentful, guilty, ashamed, demanding, entitled, blaming, excusing, denying — I hated myself and the tortured life of self-will pulling me in opposite directions.

At my newcomer meeting last January I heard the SA Bottom Line of no sex with self and progressive victory over lust in all its forms. I heard members share how they were living the life of sobriety — giving them serenity and a light yoke of walking in freedom and surrender. They were speaking to me directly, and I felt their love for me. They had what I wanted. That was the moment God opened my eyes to his power over lust in me. He showed me I could not stop — I could only surrender, He has the power and works on my behalf when I admit I am powerless. I can’t keep lusting if I give my lusting to Him.

And so I work the Steps. The first three Steps. One day at a time, one thought of lust at a time. I say, “I can’t, He can, and He does.”