I am Harvey A. My sobriety date is March 8, 1984. I can hardly believe that I am now 81 years old and have been sexually sober for more than 37 years.

My disease started early. By age five, I was already masturbating and began playing “Doctor and Nurse” with a neighborhood girl. By age 10, I began fantasizing about my Sunday school teacher and his wife having sex together when I did not even know what “sex” was. At that same age, I attended a day camp, and I remember being mesmerized by naked men I saw in the locker room.

When I was 11 my parents decided to move to another state where I went to school in a neighborhood that was quite hostile to people of my religion. Some boys befriended me and offered me protection but in return I had to be sexual with them. This lasted for about three months and led me to believe that male friendship must include sexual contact.

During my teenage years, I became obsessed with being as sexual as I could with the girls I dated. I also had some sexual experimentation with boys my age, especially those who befriended me.

In college, I met my future wife. From the onset, I became sexually obsessed with her. We married when I was 21. I continued to have frequent sex with her to the point that she took me to her gynecologist for medical advice. He told me that I was acting like “a sex maniac.”

I thought both of them were crazy to say I was having too frequent sex with my wife. Masturbation in secret continued. I was able to stop masturbating for a few weeks after marriage, but soon after, the secret behavior started again.

Over the next many years, my sexual behavior gradually got out of control. I had sex with hundreds of partners, buying sex from both men and women, having multiple “lovers,” practicing group sex, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. I would spend money on my sex partners instead of spending it on my family.

This led to financial problems. I was unable to pay for college tuition for my two youngest of four children. This led to tension between my children and myself. Time and again, I would cry to my wife, “Never again!” only to succumb once more within hours. I would make oaths to God to stop but soon, I would be acting out again. My addiction took me to the gates of hell, but I could not turn back.

Seven months prior to attending my first SA meeting, I discovered the wonders of 12-Step recovery by attending Alcoholics Anonymous. But, after the AA meeting I would jog down to the pornography shop for anonymous sex. I stopped drinking, but I could not stop acting out.

Then one day, after leaving a pornography shop in utter hopelessness, I met, by chance, the same person who had previously informed me about SA and he invited me to my first SA meeting. Out of my mouth suddenly came the words “I am ready.” It was just the two of us at that meeting, but I got the message. What has happened since that day is the miracle of sobriety. I really wanted to stop, but stopping the use of my sexual drug was a day-by-day drudgery.

We had only one SA meeting a week in Nashville back then. That one night was sacred to me. One day at a time I learned about sobriety. The White Book had not been published yet but we had the cherished SA brochure with “The Solution” and “The Problem”—that said it all to me.

When I read the brochure, I saw myself in it; but I was certain that the stipulation of “no sex with self” could not be accurate. Everyone thought masturbation was a “normal” activity. As I told myself that, I suddenly realized it wasn’t normal for me. It had become an addiction. This was my moment of clarity. I have remained sexually sober since that moment.

How did I stay sober back then with no White Book and only one meeting a week? One day at a time, that is how. I would make a contract each day with God. I promised just for the day that I would stay sexually sober. I told God that I could not guarantee tomorrow. I would then ask him to keep me sober for the next 24 hours.

But, in my first year, something was still missing. After 11 months of sobriety I began suspecting what it was. Lust was still there, camouflaged as sex in marriage. I realized I needed a period of sexual abstinence from my spouse. I thought about that idea, but finally I asked my wife. She agreed. After six weeks of abstinence, I told her I was ready to resume a sexual relationship. With anger in her eyes and voice she said, “I’m not.”

Why was this a shock to me? This was a woman I had sexually disrespected for 24 years. In response to my anger over her resisting the end of our abstinence, my sponsor said “You’re an addict. You cannot be the one to know when to stop your abstinence. Let God talk through your wife.” God did, almost two years later. Thus, for me, it took 21 months of total sexual abstinence for that part of my illness to subside.

Over time, I have continued to have imperfect victories over my character defects. These include greed, envy, and control, to mention only a few. The miracle today is that I am more aware of them when they appear which permits me to utilize the Steps on them. My sponsor would say that I’m better than I used to be, but not as well as I’m going to get.

Miracles have happened. I no longer have preconceptions about my gender orientation. I came to realize it was not an issue with being gay, straight, or bisexual. It was an issue of addiction. Once I put my drug away, those issues seemed to vanish, one day at a time.

Miracles are also happening in my family. My wife and I are more comfortable with each other than we have ever been. We try not to work each other’s programs. We have traveled a lot together, sharing the message of our recovery with SA groups all over the world. We look forward to these times together and enjoy each other‘s company.

Our travels have taken us to people and their families hurting from sex addiction in countries such as Poland, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands, Denmark, Israel, England, Ireland, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and all over the United States. Who would have ever thought that God‘s will for me, a low bottom drunk, would be to carry the SA message throughout the world?

This is how I stay sober today. It’s simple. I do the same things today I did when I first came into the program. I get on my knees each morning and evening to give my day to my higher power. I pray for His will for me. I speak on the phone with people from the fellowship throughout the day. I do a great deal of sponsorship, and whatever the results are for them, I still get help for my program by giving away what has been so freely given to me. I try to attend a recovery meeting at least five days a week. Over the past few years I have meditated approximately an hour a day. I also try to read at least one page of recovery material a day.

I had to learn to let go of shame. To me it is the enemy of the first Step. If I truly believe I have a disease, which I wholeheartedly do believe, then shame has no part in my life. I might have done “bad” things but it does not make me bad in my essence. I have had to learn that I am a sick man getting well, not a bad man getting good.

When I lived in the Sin model I could not recover. When I accepted the disease model of addiction I began to have significant recovery. I also had to learn about forgiveness and not let my disease blame people, places and things for my behavior.

Last but not least is the miracle of finding the God of my understanding. This God, who watched me indulge in all those low-life sex activities, and loved me so much that he brought me to this wonderful fellowship of SA. I now know that there is nothing I can do to keep God from loving me.

What is the true test of my sobriety? For me it is not acting out on lust even when people could never find out. Sexual fantasies are a “no, no” in my program. It is very easy, in my opinion, for people to fool themselves about what is sex with self. In my own program, I would even consider watching pornography a form of sex with self.

One day I asked our founder Roy K., why he kept the definition so vague concerning the definition of sex with self. I was very surprised with the answer he gave me. He looked me straight in the eye and said “This is not a religion.” How I interpreted this was the same way a sponsor said to me—“To thine own self be true.” Each of us has to learn to be honest with ourselves.

One day at a time, I want to continue to stay sober. How else can I get to keep all I have found in the fellowship? I have found recovery in SA. I have found friendship. I have found a loving God. I have truly found my home. Each morning I make a decision to accept the gift of sobriety, and each day I receive it again. And as my sponsor would say, “It only gets better.”